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Baby Seal Song Bestiality's Best (two versions) Bitch, a Dog Bye Bye Blackbird Cats on the Rooftops Caviar Song Cock Robin Cow Kicked Nelly Cuckoo Dead Dog Rover Dickey Louse Dingo |
Doggies' Meeting Duck Ditty Fuck a Duck Has Anyone Seen My Cock (aka Rhode Island Red) Hash Kitten Hedgehog Song Hog Calling Time in Nebraska Hole in the Elephant's Bottom I Need a Sheep Little Brown Mouse Little Gomez Lobster Song Moose Song (four versions) My Girlfriend's a Bit of a Beast |
Old Brown Cow Pussy Cat Song Sexual Life of the Camel Skippy the Squirrel Sole Song Teddy Bears' Picnic Three Blind Jellyfishes Virgin Sturgeon Wild West Show Woodpecker Song Yogi Bear Song |
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Melody - That Good Old Mountain Dew Way up north where it is cold, you know they ain't got gold They all make their living from the seal skins they've sold. Me I like the killing, because it's so fulfilling And I hate to see a baby seal grow old. CHORUS: You don't bludgeon a seal 'cause you want a meal You do it cause you want to hear those little suckers squeal. You hit 'em on the head, and you do it just for kicks And you poke out their eyes with your eye-pokin' sticks. (Two - Three - Four) My daddy was a little mean, my mama was a bit obscene, Maybe that's the reason for the way that I feel. You might not believe me, but my woman wants to leave me So I guess I'll take it out on a baby seal. The Liberals want to lock me up because I kill the seal pups And tie their fur up into little bales. I know that it won't be long 'til all the baby seals are gone So I guess I'll just start wiping out the whales. Slice 'em, dice 'em, roto-till 'em, chop 'em up or just plain kill 'em, Their fur comes off with just one easy peel (RIP, RIP, RIP) People, people don't you cry cause I know that when I die I'll be coming back as a baby seal. . . . Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys The first version of this song requires a pretty good memory, or at minimum enough wit to think of rhymes on the spot. Which explains why hashers almost always sing the second version . . . (Take turns leading verses) CHORUS: Bestiality's best, boys, Bestiality's best - FUCK A WALLABY! Bestiality's best, boys, Bestiality's best. ALTERNATE CHORUS: Bestiality's best, boys, Bestiality's best - FUCK YOUR WALLABY! Give hetero sex a rest, boys, Bestiality's best Tie me wallaby down, boys, Tie me wallaby down, You can't fuck him when he's jumping around, boys, So tie me wallaby down. Change your luck with a duck, Chuck, Change your luck with a duck, A duck's a marvelous fuck, Chuck, So change your luck with a duck. A drake's the best all around, mate, A drake's the best all around, Its entry's surrounded by down, mate, A drake's the best all around. A camel's a hell of a lay, Kay, A camel's a hell of a lay, Humping the hump, as they say, Kay, A camel's a hell of a lay. A moose is no bloody use, Bruce, A moose is no bloody use, She's big, she's mean, and she's loose, Bruce, A moose is no bloody use. You can shoot your load in a toad, dude, You can shoot your load in a toad, If there's nothing else to be rode, dude, You can shoot your load in a toad. Me wife was raped by an ape, Nate, Me wife was raped by an ape, She's in marvellous sexual shape, Nate, Ever since she was raped by an ape. A rhino's a hell of a treat, Pete, A rhino's a hell of a treat, The horniest thing on four feet, Pete, A rhino's a hell of a treat. A mongoose is no piece of cake, Jake, A mongoose is no piece of cake, He'll attack your one-eyed snake, Jake, A mongoose is no piece of cake. You can come again in a hen, men, You can come again in a hen, When you've had everything else in the pen, men, You can come again in a hen. I tried to roger a badger, boys, I tried to roger a badger, A badger's a hell of a dodger, boys, You just can't roger a badger. You can go the course on a horse, Morris, You can go the course on a horse, There's lots of animals worse, Morris, You can go the course on a horse. You can try your log in a frog, boys, You can try your log in a frog, If it's the only thing in the bog, boys, You can try your log in a frog. You can stick your pole in a mole, Cole, You can stick your pole in a mole, If your pole's incredibly small, Cole, You can stick your pole in a mole. (alternate verse) You can stick your pole in a mole, boys, You can stick your pole in a mole, If you can't find a big enough mole, boys, Then use the bloody mole hole. You can try to screw a red 'roo, Lou, You can try to screw a red 'roo, Be careful it doesn't screw you, Lou, When you try to screw a red 'roo. An ostrich can give you a ride, Clyde, An ostrich can give you a ride, When you get your weapon inside, Clyde, An ostrich's a real wild ride. You can try getting bare with a bear, Clare, You can try getting bare with a bear, But he's attached to his hair, Clare, So don't try to make him get bare. Screwing a turtle's a lark, Mark, Screwing a turtle's a lark, If you've got foreskin like bark, Mark, Then screwing a turtle's a lark. A gator is tricky to boff, Toff, A gator is tricky to boff, Wrong end and you'll get it bit off, Toff, A gator is tricky to boff. Any old beast for a fuck, Chuck, Any old beast for a fuck, Even an Irishman's luck, Chuck, When you need a beast for a fuck. You can get it on with an iguana, Donna, You can get it on with an iguana, But only if you really wanna, Donna, You can get it on with an iguana. Put your log up a dog, Claude, Put your log up a dog, Don't you fancy a dog, Claude, Put your log up a dog, 'cause . . . MORE VERSES: Stick your lug in a slug, Doug (Aren't you hot for a slug, Doug?) Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou (Don't you dream of a ewe, Lou?) Get turned on by a duck, Chuck (Doesn't that make you go quack, Chuck?) Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt (Isn't that just where it's at, Matt?) Rough love with a horse, Boris (You gotta use force with a horse, Boris) Version two is far less challenging . . . you simply repeat the same line all through the verse, as in: Make a llama a mama, boys, Make a llama a mama - BESTIALITY! Make a llama a mama, boys, Make a llama a mama, 'cause . . . More verses, courtesy of ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4: Stick your dork in a stork Make an eel squeel Rub your beaver on a retriever Rub your box on a fox Rub your clitoris on a hippopotamus Rub your clitty on a kitty Rub your cunt on an elephunt Rub your twat on an ocelot Grind your mound on a hound Drip your juice on a moose Give your milk to an elk Drip your yeast on a wildebeest Cunnilingo with a dingo Fool with the tool of a mule A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel Any which way with a jay Anyway you can with a pelican Be a queer with a deer Be a rotter with an otter Be very pleasant to a pheasant Bring a flea to her knees Chuck your sperm in a worm Come from behind with a hind Do an illegal with an eagle Do it funky with a monkey Down the throat of a goat Drink the pee of a bee Drop some goo in a shrew Ejaculate in a snake Get a suck from a duck Get in deep with a sheep Get it out for a trout Get the pox off a fox Get under the tail of a snail Sow oats with some stoats Get your release in a fleece Give a half to a giraffe Give a lickin' to a chicken Give some cock to a croc Give your gerbil some verbal Give your milk to an elk Go a rounder with a flounder Go and defile a crocodile Go the whole way with a moray Be a pimp for a chimp Have a cracker with a quacker Have a deer from the rear Have a filler with a gorilla Have a frig with a pig Have a fuck with a duck Have a goose with a moose Have a hug with a bug Have a lark with an aardvark Have a rape with an ape Have a screw with a shrew Have a shag with a stag Have a shaggin' with a dragon Have a squirm with a worm Have a toss with a hoss Help old Watson with a dachshund In a heap with a sheep In the Bahamas with some llamas In the dark with a shark In the ear of a deer In the esophagus of an octapus In the lake with a drake In the lug of a slug In the sack with yak. Have intercourse with a horse Lick the clit of a nit Make it coarse with a horse Make it limp in a chimp Make it twirl in a squirrel Make it wonky with a donkey Make love with a dove Make some porn with a unicorn Mate a 'gator then fellate her In a bag with a stag In the bog with a dog On a honeymoon with a raccoon On a train with a crane On the lawn with a prawn On top of the easel with a weasel Part the hare of a mare Put it in the mid of a squid Put it in the mouth of a sloth Put it through a gnu Put your cock in a peacock Put your noodle to a poodle Put your thang in an orangutan Rub the thigh of a fly Shoot your load in a toad Shove your log in a dog Shove your willy up a filly Sixty-nine with a swine Skull fuck a duck Stick you rod up a cod Stick your dork in a stork Stick your needle in a beetle The best course is a horse Up the ass of a bass Up the back of a yak Up the box of a fox Up the fanny of a nanny Up the flue of a shrew Up the hole of a mole Up the rear of a deer Up the spout of a trout Up the tail of a whale Melody - Do, Re, Mi Bitch, a dog, a female dog, Itch, a place for you to scratch, Hitch, I pull my knickers up, Grab, another word for snatch, Bath, a place for making gin, Sex, another word for sin, Prick, a needle going in, And that will bring us back to Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch . . . Melody - Bye Bye Blackbird Once a boy was no good, Took a girl into the wood, Bye, bye, blackbird. Laid her down upon the grass, Pinched her tits and slapped her ass, Bye, bye, blackbird. Took her where nobody else could find her, To a place where he could really grind her, Rolled her over on her front, Shoved his wank right up her cunt, Blackbird, bye, bye. But this girl she was no sport, Took her story to a court, Bye, bye, blackbird. Told her story in the morn, All the jury had a horn, Bye, bye, blackbird. Then the judge came to his decision, The poor sod got eighteen months in prison, So next time, boy, do it right, Stuff her twat with dynamite, Blackbird, bye, bye. Melody - ??? Chorus: Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon, The virgin sturgeon's a very fine fish, The virgin sturgeon needs no urgin', That's why caviar is my dish. I gave caviar to my girlfriend, She was a virgin tried and true, Ever since she had that caviar, There ain't nothin' she won't do. Chorus I gave caviar to my grandpa, Grandpa's age is 93, Ever since he had that caviar, He chased Granny up a tree. Chorus I gave caviar to my bow wow, All the others looked agog, He had what those bitches wanted, Wasn't he a lucky dog? Chorus Father was a lighthouse keeper, He had caviar for his tea, He had three children by a mermaid, Two were kippers, one was me! Chorus Melody - Do Ye Ken John Peel (Take turns leading verses) When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand, From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland, If you haven't got a woman use your own horny hand, As you revel in the joys of masturbation. CHORUS: Cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles, Cats with the clap and cats with piles, Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles, As they revel in the joys of fornication. The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life, He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife, So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The Australian lady emu when she wants to find a mate, Wanders round the desert with a feather up her date, You should see that feather, when she meets her destined fate, As she revels in the joys of fornication. The poor domestic doggie, on his chain all day, Never gets a chance to get himself a lay, So he licks himself in a frantic way, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The labors of the poofter find but little favor here, But the morally leprous bastard has a peaceful sleep, I fear, As he dreams he rips a red-un up some dirty urchin's rear, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty song, He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long, You should hear his high crescendo, when his mate is on the prong, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows, He takes two days to have a shag, but when he's in the throes, He doesn't stop to take it out; he piddles through his nose, As he revels in the joys of fornication. When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy, And your wife has got the rag on and your daughter's rather coy, Then jam it up the backside of your favorite choirboy, As you revel in a smooth ejaculation. The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears, Never gets a grind in a thousand years, But when he does, he makes up for arrears, As he revels in the joys of fornication. In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile, Gets a flip only once in a while, But when he does, it floods the Nile, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The wild boar in the mud all day, Thinks of the sows that are far, far away, And the corkscrew motion of half a day, As he revels in the joys of masturbation. Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale, With a funny little diddle tucked beneath his tail, And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale, As he revels in the joys of fornication. Now I met a girl who had a great rear, And she gave me a dose of gonorrhea, Fools rush in where angels fear, As I reveled in the joys of fornication. Little Mary Johnson will be seven next July, She's never had a naughty, but she thought she'd like to try, So she took her daddy's walking stick and did it on the sly, As she reveled in the joys of fornication. Long-legged curates grind like goats, Pale-faced spinsters shag like shoats, And the whole damn world stands about and gloats, As they revel in the joys of fornication. The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick, Without the opportunity to dip its wick, But whenever it does, it slips in thick, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The ape is small and rather slow, Erect he stands a foot or so, So when he comes it's time to go, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The flea disports among the trees, And there consorts with whom he please, To fill the land with bastard fleas, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The elephant's prong is big and round, A small one scales a thousand pound, Two together rock the ground, As they revel in the joys of fornication. The camel likes to have his fun, His night is made when he is done, He always gets two humps for one, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The donkey is a lonely bloke, He hardly ever gets a poke, But when he does he lets it soak, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The orangutan is a colorful sight, There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light, As it jumps and it leaps in the night, As it revels in the joys of fornication. The hippopotamus, so it seems, Very, very rarely has wet dreams, But when he does he comes in streams, As he revels in the joys of fornication. The oyster is a paragon of purity, And you can't tell the he from the she, But he can tell and so can she, As they revel in the joys of fornication. A thousand verses all in rhyme, To sit and sing them seems a crime, When we could better spend our time, Reveling in the joys of fornication. Melody - Who Killed Cock Robin Who killed cock robin? "I," said the sparrow, "With my bow and arrow, I killed cock robin." CHORUS (WORDS & ACTIONS): Oh-h-h-h the birds of the air said, Fuck it! Let's chuck it! When they heard cock robin Had kicked the fucking bucket! When they heard-d-d-d cock robin-n-n-n Had kicked the fucking bucket! Who saw him die? "I," said the fly, "With my little eye, I saw him die." Who'll take his blood? "I," said the mole, "With my little bowl, I'll take his blood." Who'll dig his grave? "I," said the owl, "With my little trowel, I'll dig the grave." Who'll ring the bell? "I," said the bull, "With my mighty tool, I'll ring the bell." Who'll say the prayer? "I," said the rook, "With my little book, I'll say the prayer." Melody - Turkey in the Straw CHORUS: Oh, the cow kicked Nelly in the belly last night (three times) But the farmer says she'll be all right. LEADER: Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. (repeat chorus) LEADER: Third verse, same as the first . . .(and so on through ten verses, each louder and worse than the one before, or until stoned by the pack) Melody - Itself The cuckoo is a funny bird, Who sits in the grass, With his wings neatly folded, And his beak up his ass. In this strange position, He can only say, "Twit!" 'Cause it's hard to say, "Cuckoo," With a beak full of shit. Melody - I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover I'm looking over, My dead dog Rover, That I over ran with the mower. One leg is missing, The other is gone, The third leg is shredded, All over the lawn. You see there's no use explaining, The one remaining, It's spinning on the carport floor (the carport floor), I'm looking over, My dead dog Rover, That I over ran, that I over ran, That I over ran with the mower! I'm looking over, My minced dog Rover, Who I hit with a power mower. My dog's not eating, He no longer barks, He hit the propellor, And turned into sparks. No need explaining, There's no dog remaining, He's part of the grass, you see! I'm looking over, My dead dog Rover, That I sent to eternity! Melody - Mickey Mouse Theme by Lubejob, Eugene HHH Who's the little blood sucker that's after you and me? D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! Hi there, hey there, ho there, he's as hungry as can be, D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!) Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!) Forever may he hold your hairy crotch, Tight, Tight, Tight! When you join up at the hips he'll jump from you to me! D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! (Slowly) D-I-C (Eat you real soon!) K-E-Y (Why? Because I like you! [pointing around]) L-O-U-S-Eeee! Melody - Ghost Riders in the Sky By Dingo, Hamersley HHH, contributed by J.R., Capital HHH Note: Song is based on a true story, notorious in Australia, about a mother who claimed her missing baby was eaten by dingos during a camping trip to Ayers Rock. Some Seventh Day Adventist went for a barbecue (barbecue, barbecue) Where they met some dingoes that could eat much more than you (more than you, more than you) Chorus: Dingo, dingo Beware of the dingo, With a baby in its mouth Lindy packed some vegies, but those dingoes wanted meat (wanted meat, wanted meat) Kidneys and liver and arms and hands and feet (hands and feet, hands and feet) Chorus They searched and searched, and searched, and searched, all around Ayre's rock (Ayre's rock, Ayre's rock) But all they found were dog turds, and a baby's sock (baby's sock, baby's sock) Chorus While the lawyers argued, Lindy got up the duff (up the duff, up the duff) The dingoes were ecstatic, cos they hadn't had enough (had enough, had enough) Chorus Lindy got the lawyers, to fuck the government (government, government) For a million or more, enough to pay the rent (pay the rent, pay the rent) Chorus The loser was the taxpayer, it usually is that way (is that way, is that way) Especially when those lawyers and journos have their say (have their say, have their say) Chorus The dingo is a noble beast, who merely likes to eat (likes to eat, likes to eat) And a veggie-reared Adventist, must have been a treat (been a treat, been a treat) Chorus Journalists and lawyers, they are a rotten lot (rotten lot, rotten lot) It was them and not the dingo, that they should have shot (should have shot, should have shot) Chorus And now our story's over, there's only one thing left to say (left to say, left to say) The dingo likes to graze, on the seventh day (seventh day, seventh day) Chorus Melody - God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen The doggies held a meeting, They came from near and far, Some came by motorcycle, Some came by motorcar. Each doggy passed the entrance, Each doggy signed the book, Then each unshipped his arsehole, And hung it on the hook. One dog was not invited, It sorely raised his ire, He ran into the meeting hall And loudly bellowed, "Fire!" It threw them in confusion, And without a second look, Each grabbed another's arsehole From off another hook. And that's the reason why, sir, When walking down the street, And that's the reason why, sir, When doggies chance to meet, And that's the reason why, sir, On land or sea or foam, He will sniff another's arsehole, To see if it's his own. Melody - ??? Contributed by Beerhead, Kobe HHH, Japan A man's best friend is his duck, A duck's got plenty of pluck, And when you're down on your luck, They're always good for a meal. . . . it works well if you can persuade some idiot to quack once or twice at the end of each line. Melody - Do, Re, Mi Fuck a duck, A female duck, Screw a baby kangaroo, Finger bang an orangutan, Let an elephant eat you, FEEL the penis of an eel, WHACK the asshole of a yak, MASTURBATE with a gnu, That will bring us back to Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck . . . Repeat with motions, humming, silence, etc Melody - Itself Commercial Song by Britain's Ivor Biggun Originally Contributed From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward Third Verse by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH Some people like a pussy, a budgie or a tit; Some people take up with a spaniel pup that fills the house with shit; Me now, I keep chickens and I have a favourite one; He's dick my big red rooster and I don't know where he's gone. ( gone, gone ) chorus: has anybody seen my cock ?, my big Rhode Island red; He's mostly pink with a little bit of blue and purple on his head; He stands straight up in the morning and he gives my wife a shock; Has anybody seen, anybody seen, anybody seen my cock ? He's a stiff necked little upstart, I’ve known him all my life; He's a constant source of pleasure and a torment to my wife; Sometimes he's magnificent and sometimes small and thin; But he puffs up just like a pigeon if you tickle him under his chin. ( chin, chin ) He's two big wattles hanging, they're the best that you can find; Madam you may stroke him if you feel that way inclined; Be careful not to pull him for 'though he's very shy; If he gets excited he can spit right in your eye. ( eye, eye ) Melody - "Talking Blues" Contributed by Chew My Baca of the Big Heads H3 of SD My Kitten was startin’ to bore me; He was a false god there before me, So I put him in a bag out on the lawn. Run him over with my Briggs & Stratton, He was smushed and he was flattened, But just before he died he said to me: (Echo: He said to me:) Now don’t you run over your kittens with a lawnmower for Jesus, Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord. Now don’t you run over your kittens with a lawnmower for Jesus. You know you only do it because you’re bored. I went out to ride my camel, Lookin’ round for another mammal, When that beast turned east and bowed and began to pray. I inferred he prayed to Mecca, so I cried: “Salom Alecca” As hoof to hump that critter I did flay. Now don’t you persecute your friends with sharp objects for Jesus, Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord. Now don’t you persecute your friends with sharp objects for Jesus. You know you only do it because you’re bored. Well I went out to milk my Bessie; I found out that she made messy. I said: “I cannot abide this Hindu doo.” (Echo: Well, could you?) So I had to immolate ‘er, And afterward we ate her, And now you don’t hear Bessie cryin’ “Moo.” Now don’t you immolate your friends on the pyre for Jesus, Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord. Now don’t you immolate your friends on the pyre for Jesus. You know you only do it because you’re bored. Well my kitten used to yammer, And in such a raucous manner, He’d disturb the Day of Rest each Sunday morn. So I removed his duodenum, And my kitten stopped a’ screamin’ And now he makes a sweet song to the Lord. Now don’t you turn your little friends into guitar strings for Jesus, Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord. Now don’t you turn your little friends into guitar strings for Jesus. You know you only do it because you’re bored. Melody - Unknown Contributed by Bulldust Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do But I have to say this as a warning to you: With almost all animals, you can have ball But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can The result I think you'll find will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Mounting a horse can often be fun An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick you'll end up with naught but a painful prick. He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball, Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo Will be entertaining to both her and you Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1 A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet Even a giraffe (despite being so tall) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2 You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1 You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite We already mentioned the horse, you may recall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2 You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell A troll can be rocky if down you should fall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1 For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter Or pego a pig after parting his trotters Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2 For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1 Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 2 A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising, Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Chorus 1 You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb, Or pork a few piglets if you have the time, A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. Melody - Itself When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, Then it's hog calling time in Nebraska. Melody - Unknown Contributed by Ed Cray My ambition's to go on the stage; From this you can se that I've got 'em. In pantomine I'm all the rage, I'm the hole in the elephant's bottom. Oh! the girls think that I'm it, As they sit in the stalls I can spot 'em, And I wink at the girls in the pit Through the hole in the elephant's bottom. One night we performed in a farce And they stuffed up the bottom with cotton, But it split and I showed my bare arse Through the hole in the elephant's bottom. There are pockets inside in the cloth For two bottles of Bass, if you got 'em. But they hiss and they boo when I blow out the froth Through the hole in the elephant's bottom. Now my part hasn't got any words But there's nothing that can't be forgotten, I spend all my time pushing property turds Through the hole in the elephant's bottom. Some may think that this story is good And some may believe that it's rotten, But those that don't like it can stuff it right up The hole in the elephant's bottom. Should the Japanese make an attack, Then hundreds of bombs they will drop 'em, But we'll keep 'em at bay with an Oerliken gun Through the hole in the elephant's bottom. Melody - Scotland the Brave Bring me some whiskey, mother, I'm feeling frisky, mother. I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! I need a lover, mother, No, not my brother, mother. I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Gerbils don't make it, mother, They just can't take it, mother. I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Owls, bats and other critters, Just tend to give me jitters. I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Sheep never talk about it, They never ever doubt it. Always so placid, affectionate and nice! Give me that lanolin, Better than flannel-in. I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Melody - Itself Oh, the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor, And the place was closed for the night, When out from his hole crept a little brown mouse, And sat in the pale moonlight. Oh, he lapped up the liquor on the barroom floor, And back on his haunches he sat, And all night long you could hear him roar, BRING ON THE GODDAMNED CAT! OPTIONAL VERSE: Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat, And the cat ate up on the mouse, And the moral of the story is, YOU CAN'T DRINK LIQUOR ON THE HOUSE! By Eric Bogle Copy Written Material Oh, I used to have a doggie and I called him Little Gomez, Because he was a Mexican Chihuahua. Though there wasn't much to him what there was was all cajones. In fact he was a randy little fella Big dogs, small dogs were all the same to him, The canine equivalent of Errol Flynn. At the drop of a sombrero he'd jump up and get stuck in, Taking Gomez out for walkies was embarrassing. I remember one day in the park his tally rose by four, An enviable score he was amassing, Two very patient poodles and an Irish Labrador, And a woman who just happened to be passin'. I tried every way to curb his carnal appetite, I kept him on a leash by day, I locked him up at night. I even put bromide in his chunky meaty bites, But the only thing that might have worked was kryptonite. Then came the fateful day when he tried to consummate, A liaison with a St Bernard from Dublin. And although he was quite clearly fighting well above his weight, He didn't let that minor detail stop him. He nearly pulled it off, oh, what an acrobat. But the bitch got bored and down she sat. Well, they say that after making love you sometimes feel quite flat, I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with that. I buried Little Gomez in the park, his happy hunting ground a sad but fitting finale. Though I had to make a grave that was very flat and round, Cause he looked like squashed tamale. But oh, how I missed my wee Chihuahua chum, I went down to the pet shop to find another one. I went there feeling happy, but I left there feeling glum, Because the man behind the counter loved corny puns. And he said, "Yes, we have no Chihuahuas, we have no Chihuahuas today. We have Alsations, Dalmations, fruits of all flirtations, An alpine Pekingese and a toupee. But yes, we have no Chihuahuas, we have no Chihuahuas today." Melody - The Chisholm Trail "Oh, mister fisherman, home from the sea, Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?" CHORUS: Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust, Never let your ballocks dangle in the dust. "Yes sir, yes sir, I have three, And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to thee." So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't find a dish, So I put the fucking lobster where the missus has a piss. In the middle of the night, as you well know, The missus got up to have a heave ho. Well, first there came a groan, and then there came a grunt, And the bloody lobster grabbed her by the cunt. The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed thebroom, And we chased the fucking lobster round and round the room. We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side, We hit that fucking lobster till the bastard died. Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it, Always have a look before you take a shit. That's the end of my story, there isn't any more, There's an apple up my asshole, and you can have the core. Down in Nagasaki the monkey fucked the cat, And all the cat could do was fuck the monkey back. Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (some verses by Flying Booger, jHavelina HHH; and Satan, Pittsburg HHH) CHORUS (SUNG WHILE MAKING ANTLERS ON HEAD WITH HANDS): Moose, moose, I love a moose, I've never had anything quite like a moose My life has been merry, My women been loose, But nothing compares to the love of a moose. When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay, I go to the closet and pull out some hay, I open the window and spread it around, Because moose will come running when there's hay on the ground. HARRIERS' VERSES: When I was a young lad I played with the girls, I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls, But my true love ran off with a classmate named Bruce, I never got treated that way by a moose. Women like pearls and diamonds and cars, I spend all my money on them in bars, But a moose is content to be tied to a tree, While I find other mooses to satisfy me. Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair, I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there, I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose, But I've never had anything quite like a moose. Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night, And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight, But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose As the feeling you gets when you humps with a moose. HARRIETTES' VERSES: All my past lovers did brag about size, Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but lies, But a moose is the size that a man ought to be, That's why from now on it's mooses for me. When I was much younger I read dirty books, I stroked myself with each gazing look, But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle, Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle. Now that I'm older and into my years, I'll have you to know that I shed no tears, While I lay by the fire with a glass of Mateus, Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose. MOOSE SONG - Version # 2 Melody - Villikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike) By Anne Bredon, contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4. This appears to be the original version of the "Moose Song." There's an infamous song goin' 'round 'bout a moose, It's really quite funny and quite full of juice, But all of it's told from a masculine view, And a lot of us women want to get a piece too. CHORUS: Moose, moose, I want a moose, I've never had anything quite like a moose. I've had lots of others, my life has been loose, But I've never had anything quite like a moose. I figured it all out one day by myself, When my man went off and left me on the shelf, He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess, Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress. "What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose," Said I as I set out to find me a moose, But I ran into problems that men do not mind, For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll find. I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring, I hunted all summer and found not a thing, But I found my moose when leaves started to fall, And . . . oh brother! did I have a ball. With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by his tail, I hanged and we banged and we really did flail, Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar, I never had had such a great lay before. But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye, I'll be here next year when the leaves start to fly, Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall, And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball. And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess, Being balled by a moose, it is really the best, But you'll make out with others for most of the year, For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear. A bear in the winter is furry and warm, And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm. In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light, That is if you are not afraid of great height. In summer, I fear, you must make do with men, But, not to worry, soon fall comes again. Then you can return to your own faithful moose, And revel in supremely scrumptious screws. MOOSE SONG - Version # 3 Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike Version known to Walt Leipold, contributed by Ed Cray When I'm in the mood for a very good lay, I go to the closet and get me some hay, I go to the woods and I spread it around, For the moose come out when there's hay on the ground CHORUS: And it's moose! Moose! I want a moose! I have never had anything quite like a moose! I've had many women, my life has been loose, But I've never had anything quite like a moose When I was a young man I did it with girls, I fondled their breasties and played with their curls, But my true love ran off with a salesman named Bruce... Now, I've never been treated like that by a moose. Well, I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair, I'd do it with snakes if their fangs weren't there, I've done it with llamas and sheepdogs and goose, But I've never had anything quite like a moose. Oh, gorillas are fun on a Saturday night, And lions and tigers can put up a fight, But it's not quite the same when I ram their caboose, As the feeling I get when I hump on a moose. Well, now that I'm old and advanced in my years, When I look at my past I'll shed me no tears, As I sit in my rocker with a glass of Mateus, Playing hide the salami with Millie the Moose! MOOSE SONG - Version # 4 Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike Version known to Joe Bethancourt, Thomas Payton, et al, contributed by Ed Cray When I was a young girl (man) I used to like boys (girls), I fondled their tights (bodies) and played with their toys (curls), But me boy (girl) friend ran off with a salesman named Bruce, You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose! CHORUS: So it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose, I've never had anything quite like a Moose, I've had many lovers, my life has been loose, But I've never had anything quite like a Moose! Now when I'm in need of a very good lay, I go to me stables and gets me some hay, I opens me window and spreads it around, 'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground! Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair, I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there, I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose, But I've never had anything quite like a Moose! Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night, And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight, But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose! I've tried many beasties on land or on sea I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me! Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose! Woodchucks are all right except that they bite And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night! Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce But you never need worry should you find a moose! Step in my study, and trophies you'll find A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose! The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose! I've found many women attracted to me A few of them have had me over for tea Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose! The good Lord made Adam, and then He made Eve Said He: "If you sin now, I'll ask you to leave!" They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute! The English are said to like boars who've had corn The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn The Germans, it's said, just need leather and rope But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope! Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state They've put me in prison and locked up the gate They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose! Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears "We've commuted your sentence to ninety-nine years!" "You won't get parole; not a five minute's truce, And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!" (slowly) Now that I'm old and advanced in me years, I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears, As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse, And play hide the salami with Marvin (Millie) the Moose! Melody - Unknown They say that my girlfriend's a bit of beast, I have to admit that it's true, She's an animal lover to say the least, And now only a donkey will do. She once climbed in the cage with a tapir, Now they won't let her into the zoo, She was trying to persuade it to rape her, But now only a donkey will do. She's done it with dogs, She's done it with hogs, She tried with an ape, But the monkey cried rape, So now only a donkey will do, Now only a donkey will do. I got home one day and found her dog-knotted, With the Rottweiler from next door, By several neighbours she was spotted, As the pair crept around on all fours, The dog was panting, exhausted, It plight couldn't be ignored, Can't tell if it was willing or she forced it, But my girl was crying out for more. She'll try with a goat, Or curl up with a stoat, She tried intercourse, With a willing race horse, But now only a donkey will do, Now only a donkey will do. They won't let my girlfriend visit the farm, Where she had a stable relationship, With the Hereford bull that lived in the barn, And the ram that serviced the sheep; Cos the stallion the farmer rode to the hunt, Was too tired to trot to the meet, Now she keeps a donkey and performs some neat stunts, Cos my girlfriend's a bit of a beast. She'll do it for a laugh, With a tiger or giraffe, By a sheepdog she got tupped, (But we didn't keep the pups), But now only a donkey will do, Now only a donkey will do. (add verses and choruses as mood dictates) Melody - The Old Gray Mare The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall, The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall, The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall, And the wall was covered in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Melody - Unknown Contributed by ZiPpY My pussy cat, at my back door, Scratched so long my pussy got sore, Sore pussy. Sore pussy. Just a friendly little cat. My pussy cat playing in the back lot, Played so hard my pussy got hot. Hot pussy. Sore, hot pussy. Just a friendly little cat. My pussy cat sittin' on the front steps. It began to rain and my pussy got wet. Wet pussy. Sore, hot, wet pussy. Just a friendly little cat. My pussy cat rocking in a chair, Rocked so long it lost all it's hair. Bald pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald pussy. Just a friendly little cat. My neighbor stole my pussy cat away from me, But I went and set my pussy free. Free pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald, free pussy. Just a friendly little cat. My pussy cat ran on this trail, Got covered in mud from head to tail. Stanky pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald, free, skanky pussy. Just a friendly little cat. Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean (Take turns leading verses) The sexual life of the camel, Is stranger than anyone thinks, At the height of the mating season He tries to bugger the Sphinx. But the Sphinx's posterior sphincter Is clogged by the sands of the Nile, Which accounts for the hump on the camel, And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile. CHORUS: Singing, bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum, Bum-titty, bum-titty, aye. Singing, bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum, Bum-titty, bum-titty, aye. In the process of civilization, From the anthropoid ape down to man, It is generally held that the Navy Has buggered whatever it can, Yet recent extensive researches By Darwin and Huxley and Hall, Conclusively prove that the hedgehog Has never been buggered at all. We therefore believe our conclusion Is incontrovertibly shown, That comparative safety on shipboard Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone. Why haven't they done it at Spithead, As they've done it at Harvard and Yale, And also at Oxford and Cambridge, By shaving the spines off its tail? So come all you hashers, And to the occassion arise, Grab yourselves a hedgehog, And enjoy a real suprise. The following instructions, Will ensure you do not fail, Simply ream out its ass with a hosepipe, And shave the spines off its tail. The sexual life of the ostrich, Is hard to understand. At the height of the mating season, It buries its head in the sand, And if another ostrich finds it, Standing there with its ass in the air, Does it have the urge to grind it, Or doesn't it bloody well care? It was Christmas Eve in the harem, The eunuchs all standing there, A hundred dusky maidens, Combing their pubic hair. When along came Father Christmas, Striding down the marble halls, When he asked what they wanted for Christmas, The eunuchs all answered, "Our balls!" Oh, the old men were having a birthday, Standing at the bar, Thinking about the old times, Thinking back so far. When along came a youthful maiden, By Christ she was so fair, When she asked what they'd like for their birthday, The old men all shouted, "Hair!" My name is Cecil, I come from Leicester Square, I wear open-toed sandals, And a rosebud in my hair. For we're all queers together, Excuse us while we go upstairs, For we're all queers together, That's why we all go out in pairs. My name is Basil, My friend's name is Bond, When we go out together, They call us Basilden Bond. For we're all queers together, Excuse us while we go upstairs, For we're all queers together, That's why we go out in pairs. I went for a ride on a "Puff Puff," I found I had to stand, A little boy offered me his seat, So I went for it with my hand. For we're all queers together, Excuse us while we go upstairs, For we're all queer together, That's why we go out in pairs. Melody - Frosty the Snowman By Jim "Whiff" Montgomery of the Pittsburgh HHH, "Skippy" is based upon supposedly true events and was composed and performed during Americas InterHash '89 in San Diego Skippy the Squirrel is a jolly happy soul, With his smashed out brains and his broken nose, And some gravel up his hole. Skippy the Squirrel is a hasher's tale they say, He was just too slow and the hashers know, He was squished to death one day. There must have been some magic, In that old dead squirrel they found, For when they tied him to the bus he began to fly around. Oh, Skippy the Squirrel is as dead as he can be, But the hashers say he can hash and play, Just the same as you and me. (happy whistle interlude) Skippy the Squirrel knew the sun was hot that day, So he said, "Lets run, And we'll have some fun, before I rot away." Down to the Apres, with a rope tied to his tail, Flying here and there, all around the square, Saying , "You'll go straight to hell." He led them down the trail that day, Right to a parking lot, Where Monster Bator licked a girl, Whose father called a cop. Monster and Skippy had to hurry out of there, But they waved good-bye, Sayin ', "Don't you cry, we'll be back again next year." Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Hear those squirrelies die, Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Look at Skippy fly. Melody - The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers Contributed by Yogi, East Grinstead HHH, UK What a wonderful fish the sole is, A wonderful fish is the sole . . . Wonderful fish, served hot on a dish, Are soles, are soles, are soles. . . . Melody - Teddy Bears' Picnic From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward If you go down to the woods today, You're in for a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today, You'll never believe your eyes. 'Cause Mum and Dad are having a screw, Uncle Frank is having a wank, And Auntie D is having it off with Granddad. Those angel bears have come on their bikes, All dressed in their leather gear. There's gallons of scrumps all green with lumps, And horrible Watney's beer. Now one of 'em downed a pint of it quick, And then was promptly horribly sick, And filled up Paddington Bear's new wellies. Melody - ??? Contributed by Jammies Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One fell down . . . Ahhhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . One climbed back . . . HURRAY One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . . One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One . . . more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY .... One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY .... One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . . One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . . One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh etc. Melody - Reuben, Reuben, I've Been Thinking CHORUS: Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon, The virgin sturgeon is a very fine fish, The virgin sturgeon needs no urging, That's why caviar is my dish. I gave caviar to my girlfriend, She's a virgin through and through, Since I gave my girlfriend caviar, There ain't nothing she won't do. I gave caviar to my bow-wow, All the other doggies looked agog, He had what those bitches needed, Wasn't he a lucky dog? I gave caviar to my grandpa, Grandpa's age is ninety-three, Last time that I saw grandpa, He's chased grandma up a tree. My father was a lighthouse keeper, He had caviar for his tea, He had three children by a mermaid, Two were kippers, one was me. Melody - Itself (Take turns leading verses) CHORUS: We're off to see the Wild West Show, The elephant and the kangaroo-o-oo, Never mind the weather, as long as we're together, We're off to see the Wild West Show. Leader: Now here, ladies and gentlemen, in the first cage we have the laughing hyena. Pack: The laughing hyena? Fantastic! Incredible! What the fuck is a laughing hyena? Tell us about the son-of-a-bitch!! Leader: This animal lives up in the mountains and once every year he comes down to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has to laugh about I don't know. The Giraffe - This creature is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom. Why? Every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on me." The Famous Tattooed Lady - On the inside of her left thigh she has tattooed MERRY CHRISTMAS, and on the inside of her right thigh she has tattooed HAPPY NEW YEAR, and she'd like to invite you to come up between the holidays! The Orangutan - This animal lives in the deepest jungle, and his scrotal sac is so pliant and flexible that as he swings from branch to branch his balls go ORANG-U-TANG, ORANG-U-TANG. The Oster-reich - This animal, at the first sign of danger, buries its head in the sand and whistles through the 'hole of the afternoon. The Rhino-sauras - This animal, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the richest in the world. Its name is derived from the Latin "rhino" meaning money, and "sore ass" meaning piles; hence, piles of money. The Keerie Bird - This bird lives only in the Antarctic, and every time it lands on the ice it says, "Keerie, Keerie, Keeriest, it's cold!" Prince, the Rock 'n' Roll Star - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, living proof that Little Richard and Liberace were once man and wife! The Leo-pard - Yes, folks, the leopard has one spot on its coat for every day of the year. What about leap year? George, lift up the leopard's tail and show the lady the 29th of February. The Winky Wanky Bird - Folks, by some mystery of nature, the nerves of this bird's eyelids are connected to its scrotum. Every time it winks, it wanks, andevery time it wanks, it winks. Hey you, boy, stop throwing sand in the bird's eye! The Ele-phant - The elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day it eats two tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, and twenty buckets of rice. Madam, please don't stand too near the elephant. Madam? Madam? Oh, dear God! George, get the shovel! The Mathematical Impossibility - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the girl you see before you in this cage was ate before she was seven! The Oozle Woozle Bird - These birds fly in a line ahead formation, and at the first sign of danger, the last bird flies up the asshole of the bird in front, and so on up the line. The remaining bird then flies around in ever-decreasing circles, finally disappearing up its own fundamental orifice, from which it proceeds to shower shit and derision in all directions. The Tri-angular - Folks, this animal has a triangular orifice. Hence the pyramids and the YWCA. The Second Tattooed Lady - On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, and on the other leg she had tattooed BRIMSTONE, and in between it looks like HELL! The Gay-zelle - This pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right, ladies and gentlemen, wot has the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to determine whether it farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts. The Well-Known Oolie-Goolie Bird - This bird, wot as you will observe if you look carefully at it, has no legs, and is called what it is, ladies and gentlemen, because when the male of the species comes in to land you can hear him cry, "Ooh, me goolies! Ooh, me goolies!" The French Pervertable - This fine automobile is the last of it's kind, no longer for sale anywhere in the world. Notice the convertible top, the five-speed manual transmission, the automatic cruise control, and the dual halogen headlights. It seats two in the front and comfortably accomodates 69 in the back. TheTattooed Cowgirl - The tattooed cowgirl has a tattoo of Roy Clark on her left thigh and a tattoo of Hank Williams on her right thigh . . . and who's that in the middle, Willy Nelson? The Antique Sales Lady - The Antique Sales Lady sells only period furniture . . . everything has stains on it. The Plumb Line Bird - This bird spends most of its time high above the world's oceans, circling in the jet stream until it spies what it is after. Immediately it folds its wings, dives toward the sea, and gathers an ever-increasing momentum until it reaches terminal velocity. At that precise moment it hits the surface of the sea but continues diving straight down, now with decreasing momentum, until, if it has got the timing precisely right, it comes to a stop behind a sardine which has just farted, whereupon it seizes the bubble in its beak for use in spirit levels. The Circus Acrobat - If you will but observe the Circus Acrobat's ass you will observe a tattooed M on one cheek and a corresponding M on the other. When he bends over he spells MOM. When he stands on his head he spells WOW. When he turns cartwheels, he spells WOW MOM WOW. The Female Mathematician - This lady, folks, believes that this (hold fingers three inches apart) is twelve inches. The Famous Oooh-Aaah Bird - The male of this species, ladies and gentlemen, resides at the North Pole while the female resides at the South Pole. At the appointed season the male Oooh-Aaah flies south from the North Pole and the female Oooh-Aaah flies north from the South Pole until they meet at the Equator, whereupon one can here them call, "Ooooooooooh-Aaaaaaaaaah!" The Tri-Angular Iceberg - A most uncommon iceberg, ladies and gentlemen, where on the first side you will see an Indonesian keeping a private school, and on the second side an American keeping a private school, while on the third side you will observe a polar bear sliding up and down, keeping his privates cool. The Homosexual Sparrow - This bird is so called, ladies and gentlemen, because sometimes he flies backwards for a lark. The Infamous Fuccari Tribe - This tribe, as you will see, dear friends, is composed of small-statured people wot live in the middle of Africa, where the grass grows to an incredible height of 18 feet or more, and all day long the members of this tribe wander, calling, "Where the Fuccari? Where the Fuccari?" The Fight Between the Snake and the Ostrich - (Please note that this one is limited only by the teller's imagination and the audience's patience. So far the Guinness Book of Records has refused to list the longest known version, but a respectable average would be around 15 minutes. What follows is a bare outline; embellish it as you will): In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands the ostrich (to be followed by a life history of the contestant, fight record, size of jock strap, etc.), while in the right-hand corner stands the snake (ditto). And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for round one (followed by a description of the fight - this round, and all subsequent rounds, should take at least three minutes of fast talking, and should all end in the same waywith the snake diving into the ostrich's mouth, wriggling swiftly through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and emerging from it's asshole. Because of this clever maneuver, each round goes to the snake, until the FINAL round, wherein the snake finally dives into the ostrich's mouth, swiftly wriggles through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and is ABOUT to emerge from its asshole when the ostrich shoves its beak up its own asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you bastard!"). Melody - Dixie I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Take it out, take it out, take it out, REMOVE IT!" I removed my finger from the woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Put it back, put it back, put it back, REPLACE IT!" OTHER VERSES: Replaced/turn it round/REVOLVE IT! Revolved/turn it back/REVERSE IT! Reversed/in and out/RECIPROCATE IT! Reciprocated/slow it down/RETARD IT! Retarded/once again/REPEAT IT! Repeated/let it go/RELEASE IT! Released/pull it out/RETRACT IT! Retracted/take a whiff/REVOLTING! Melody - Camptown Races (Take turns leading verses) There is a bear in the deep dark woods, Yogi, Yogi, There is a bear in the deep dark woods, Yogi, Yogi Bear. CHORUS (REPEAT PREVIOUS VERSE): Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear, There is a bear in the deep dark woods, Yogi, Yogi Bear. Other verses: Yogi has a little friend, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Boo-Boo has a girlfriend, Cyndi, Cyndi Yogi has a girlfriend, Suzi, Suzi Cyndi has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly Cyndi wears crotchless undies, Teddy, Teddy Cyndi likes it on the ice, Polar, Polar Cyndi gets what she deserves, Pregnant, Pregnant Suzi likes it up the rear, Dirty, Dirty Suzi's boyfriend has no teeth, Gummi, Gummi Suzi's snatch it smells like cheese, Camel, Camel Suzi she has great big tits, More than, More than (I can bear) Suzi gets four bits an hour, Jingle, Jingle Cyndi's tampon has no string, Cotton, Cotton Yogi didn't use a condom, Daddy, Daddy Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala Boo-Boo has a twelve-inch cock, Cindy's a lucky bear Boo-Boo's only three feet tall, Yogi's a lucky bear Boo-Boo likes it up the butt, Yogi's a lucky bear Yogi didn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown Yogi uses Afro-Sheen, Black, Black Yogi got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy Yogi lights Kuwaiti farts, Saddam, Saddam Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, Wanker Yogi also likes young boys, Poofter, Poofter Song ender: Yogi he has HIV, Dying, Dying . . . |
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