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Back to Table of Contents Ballad of Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete Ballad of Eskimo Nell Farter From Sparta Head Chant Limericks Poetry Man Poem Recitals Shit List Spam Skit Street of the Thousand Assholes Toasts Two Shits of Verona U-G-L-Y World According to Student Bloopers Grab your glass and get your seat, And I'll tell you about the Ballad of Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete. Now Lil was the villiage queen, The fuckinest whore you've ever seen, While some girls fucked with grace and ease, Lil blew dick like the summer breeze. But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps, She piled her victims up in heaps. There was a rumor around that town, That no man could put Lil's ass down. But way up North where twin rivers meet, Lived a one balled half-breed named Yukon Pete. Pete was a dirty, Motherless soul, who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes. He got a whiff of Big Ass Lil, And packed his rubbers and came down the hill. He strode into town on size 32 feet, Draggin' 16 yards of that red hot meat. Well the scene was set at Windy Mill, By the brick shithouse high on the hill. All the ladies came for a ringside seat, Just to watch that half-breed sink his meat. Well they fucked and they fucked and they fucked for hours, Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers. Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts, All unknown to most common cunts. But Pete caught on to every trick, And kept pumpin' in more dick. Then Lil gave Pete a whore-house squeeze, That dropped that half-breed to his knees. But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt, That popped out her eyes and split her cunt! Ol' Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed: "Boys I've been fucked", cut one more and died. When they asked that half-breed of his amazing feat, He just said "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon, And beat my meat!!!" Back to the top of the Page Dramatic Recitation Gather round all you whorey, Gather round and hear this story! When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, And the tip of his tool turns blue, And it bends in the middle Like a one-string fiddle, He can tell you a tale or two. So pull up a chair and stand me a drink And a tale to you I'll tell, Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, And a harlot named Eskimo Nell. When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete Go forth in search of fun, It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick, And Mexican Pete the gun. When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete Are sore, depressed, and sad, It's always a cunt that bears the brunt, But the shootin' ain't so bad. Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete Lived down by Dead Man's Creek, And such was their luck they'd had no fuck For nigh on half a week. Just a moose or two and a caribou, And a bison cow or so, And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly wick, The action was mighty slow. So do or dare this horny pair Set forth for the Rio Grande, Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick, And Pete with his gun in his hand. And as they blazed their noisy trail No man their path withstood, And many a bride, her husband's pride, A pregnant widow stood. They reached the strand of the Rio Grande At the height of a blazing noon, And to slake their thirst and do their worst, They sought Black Mike's Saloon. And as they pushed the great doors wide Both prick and gun flashed free, "According to sex, you bleeding wrecks, You'll drink or fuck with me." They'd heard of the man called Dead-eye Dick, From Maine to Panama, And with scarcely worse than a muttered curse, Those dagos sought the bar. The girls too knew of his playful ways Down on the Rio Grande, So forty whores pulled down their drawers At Dead-eye Dick's command. They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete twitch on the trigger grip, And they didn't waitat a fearful rate, Those whores began to strip. Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick With lecherous snorts and grunts, Soon forty asses were bared to view, And likewise forty cunts. Now forty asses and forty cunts, If you can use your wits, And if you're slick at arithmetic, Makes exactly eighty tits. Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight For a man with a raging stand, It may be rare in Berkeley Square, But not on the Rio Grande. Now Dead-eye Dick had bungholed a few On the last preceding night, This he had done just to show his fun, And to whet his appetite. His phallic limb was in ramming trim As he backed and took a run, He made a dart at the nearest tart, And scored a hole in one. He bore her to the sawdust floor And there he swived her fine, And though she grinned it put the wind Up the other thirty-nine. When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick He's got no time to spare, For speed and length combined with strength, He fairly singes hair. He made a dart at the next spare tart, When into that harlot's hell Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid, And her name it was Eskimo Nell. By this time Dick had got his prick Well into number two, When Eskimo Nell let out a yell, She bawled to him, "Hey you!" He gave a flick of his muscular prick And the girl flew over his head, And he wheeled about with an angry shout, His face and his prick burning red. She stared our hero up and down, His looks she seemed to decry, With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn That rose from his hairy thigh. She blew the smoke from her cigarette Over his steaming knob, So utterly beat was Mexican Pete, He failed to do his job. It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell, In accents clear and cool, "You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp, You call that thing a tool?" "If this here town can't take that down," She sneered to those cowering whores, "Here's one little cunt can do the stunt, It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours." She stripped her garments one by one With an air of conscious pride, And as she stood in her womanhood, They saw the great divide. She seated herself on a table top Where someone had left his glass, With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits, Between the cheeks of her ass. She flexed her knees with supple ease, And spread her legs apart, With a friendly nod to the mangy sod, She gave him the cue to start. But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two, He meant to take his time, And a girl like this was sexual bliss, So he played the pantomime. He flexed his buttocks to and fro And made his balls inflate, Until they looked like the granite knobs On top of a garden gate. He blew his anus inside out, His organ increased in size, His mighty prick grew twice as thick, Till it almost reached his eyes. He polished it up with alcohol And made it steaming hot, To finish the job he sprinkled the knob With a cayenne pepperpot. Then neither did he take a run Nor did he take a leap, Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop, And a steady forward creep. With piercing eye he took a sight Along his mighty tool, And the steady grin as he pushed it in, Was calculatedly cool. Have you seen the giant pistons On the mighty C.P.R., With the driving force of a thousand horse, Well, you know what pistons are, Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn The ins and outs of the trick, Of the work that's done on a non-stop run By a guy like Dead-eye Dick. But Eskimo Nell was an infidel, As good as a whole harem, With the strength of ten in her abdomen, And the rock of ages between. She could take the stream of a lover's cream Like the flush of a water closet, And she gripped his cock like the Chatsworth lock On the National Safe Deposit. But Dead-eye Dick would not come quick, He meant to conserve his powers, If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind For a couple of solid hours. Nell lay for awhile and then with a smile, The grip of her twat grew keener, With a squeeze of her thigh she sucked him dry, Like a brand-new vacuum cleaner. She performed this trick in a way so slick As to set in complete defiance The basic cause and primary laws That govern sexual science. She calmly rode through the phallic code Which for years had stood the test, And the ancient rules of the classic schools, In a second or two went West. And so my friends we come to the end Of copulation's classic, The effect on Dick was sudden and quick, And akin to an anesthetic. He fell to the floor and knew no more, His passions extinct and dead, And he did not shout as his tool slipped out, Although it was stripped to a thread. Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet To avenge his pal's affront, With a jarring jolt his blue-nosed Colt, He jammed it up her cunt. He rammed it up to the trigger grip And fired three times three, But to his surprise she closed her eyes And squealed in ecstasy. She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet, "Bully," she said, "for you. Though I might have guessed that that was the best That you poor pussies could do." "When next, my friend, that you intend To sally forth for fun, Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick, And yourself an elephant gun." "I'm going back to the frozen North, Where cocks are hard and strong, Back to the land of the frozen stand, Where the nights are six months long." "It's hard as tin when they put it in, In the land where spunk is spunk, Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream, But a solid frozen chunk." "Back to the land where they understand What it means to fornicate, Where even the dead sleep two to a bed And the babies masturbate." "Back to the land of the grinding gland, Where the walrus plays with his prong, Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair, That's where they'll sing this song." "They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail, Where the nights are sixty below, Where it's so damn cold that the Rubbers are sold Wrapped up in a ball of snow." "In the valley of death with bated breath That's where they'll sing it too, Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle, And the rotting corpses screw." "Back to the land where men are men, Terra Bellicum. And there I'll spend my worthy end, For the North is calling, 'Come.'" So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete Slunk out of the Rio Grande, Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick, And Pete with no gun in his hand. When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, And the tip of his tool turns blue, And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle, I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you? Back to the top of the Page There was a young farter from Sparta, A really magnificent farter, On the strength of one bean He'd fart "God Save the Queen," And Beethoven's Seventh Sonata. He could vary, with proper persuasion, His fart to suit any occasion. He could fart like a flute, Like a lark, like a lute, This highly fartistic Caucasian. He could whistle, could warble and hum, By constricting the hole in his bum, And make animal sounds, Or fire artillery rounds, With the force of a field cannon gun. The fabulous farter from Sparta, Performed at command by Royal Charter, Did Brahms, Grieg and Mozart, For "Piano and Fart," And for an encore he did Bach's Toccata. His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz, He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas. With a good dose of salts He could fart a waltz Or swing it in razzamatazz. He's accompanied Oasis and Blur, And done backing music for Cher, Though his style is obscene, It's been used on big screen, In sound effects on the movie Ben Hur. He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And whiffle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus The Coriolanus: Ood, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah! His basso profundo with timbre so rare He rendered quite often, with power to spare. But his great work of art, His fortissimo fart, He saved for the Marche Militaire. When Sparta's farter was truly on form, His asshole could outplay a French horn, He'd give all day recitals, With the air from his vitals, After a large plate of leeks and some corn. This sparkling young farter from Sparta, His fart for no money would barter. He could roar from his rear Any scene from Shakespeare Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado. He could imitate jets supersonic, Or play compositions symphonic, He played Handel's Messiah, He reached top C and higher, But only after a mammoth colonic. A family size can of baked beans, Could fuel the main movie themes, Star Wars and some westerns, Were most often requested, Though the odour was somewhat obscene. Spurred on by a very high wager With an envious German named Bager, He'd proceeded to fart The complete oboe part Of a Haydn Octet in B Major. He could play Holst's Mars and Uranus, By expelling the air from his anus, He did Copacabana, But his Carmina Burana, Was proclaimed a cantus profanus. This man with the musical arsehole, Was asked to perform at a castle, He ignited his gas, Near exploded his ass, And the Count cried out "Once more, you rascal!" One day he was dared to perform The William Tell Overture Storm, But naught could dishearten Our spirited Spartan, For his fart was in wonderful form. The Count hosted the concert with style, And the queue to get in was a mile, The farter ate leeks, Lived on beans for two weeks, Knowing his farts were on trial. He practised by farting some tunes, Till his arsehole made sounds like bassoons, Symphonies, sonatas, Serenades and cantatas, And the theme from The Mouse on the Moon. He played The Ride of The Valkyries, And brought the whole crowd to their knees, Women fainted and screamed, At The Dambusters theme, And The Flight of the Bumblebee. He farted on feeling quite merry, Did the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies, His farts echoed and swelled, (And so did the smell), And his face went as red as a cherry. With a smell like a heap of manure, He began the William Tell Overture, They gasped as it started, Cheered the farter from Sparta, And soon they were screaming for more. It went off in capital style, As he farted it through with a smile, Then, feeling quite jolly, He reached the Finale, Blowing double-stopped farts all the while. The selection was tough, I admit, But it did not dismay him one bit, Then, with arse thrown aloft He suddenly coughed . . . And collapsed in a shower of shit. One mammoth turd blocked up his arse, Around it no fart could be passed, His bowel filled with farts, From his arse to his heart, And inflated his belly with gas. All at once the poor farter exploded, His expanding bowel overloaded, The room filled with screams, As gas-filled intestines, Rose up to the ceiling and floated, Like a string of long brown balloons, His innards were strung round the room, The odour was ripe, So the Count lit his pipe, And the whole place went up with a BOOM! His bunghole was blown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter, With a gravestone of turds Inscribed with these words: "To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr." MANY versions of this, I believe the Ballad of Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete is blamed as the origin Head? Who said head? I'll take some of that! Oooh-rah! And I did, and it was good, And there was much rejoicing. And then we fucked. We fucked for hours, Uprooting trees, bushes, and flowers. Frightening small children and woodland animals. We fucked with power tools. We fucked like Vikings, with horns on our head. Head? Who said head? I'll take some of that! Oooh-rah! Back to the top of the Page Melody (chorus only) - Mexican Hat Dance The chorus is sung, the limericks spoken. The object is to take turns telling limericks, with everyone singing the chorus between limericks. Whoever said the previous limerick usually yells out the personal insult in the chorus. (Limericks marked by "F.B." are Flying Booger originals. The extensive collection of personal insults was contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4) CHORUS: Aye, aye, aye, aye, (insert personal insult): Your mother's a whore on a troopship, So sing me another verse that's worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie. MORE INSULTS: Your mother and father were brothers Your brother fills empty cream donuts Your father eats your brother's cream donuts Your sister eats bat shit off cave walls Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens Your mother and sister are brothers Your sister leaves slime trails like snails Your mother does squat thrusts on fireplugs Your brother eats grandfather's donuts Your sister douches with Drano Your sister swims after troop ships (and catches them) (and swims back) Your sister's in love with a carrot Your sister goes down for a quarter Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones Your father does eight-year old Brownies Your mom uses Frisbees for diaphragms Your sister got turned down by hashers Your mother eats shit and lives Your mother's vibrator is made by John Deere Your mother uses hamsters for tampons Your sister rides bikes without seats Your mother's so dry the crabs carry canteens Your mother goes down on Rush Limbaugh Rush Limbaugh goes down on your sister The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. When a woman in strapless attire, Found her breasts working higher and higher, A guest, with great feeling, Exclaimed, "How appealing! Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" A hasher observed on his bum, A boil as big as his thumb, The doc said "Let's lance it," The hasher said, "Eat shit, Medice, cura te ipsum." (physician, heal thyself) - F.B. There was a young man from Australia, Who went on a wild bacchanalia, He buggered a frog, Two mice, and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia. There was a young lady named Anna, Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, Which she sucked bit by bit, From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner. A hasher, disgustingly vile, Was swallowed by a crocodile, Who digested his skin, And most things within, But choked on his membrum virile. - F.B. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Just stroking the butt of his madam, He was quaking with mirth, For on all of the earth, There were only two balls, and he had 'em. There was a young lady named Alice, Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice, It was not for the need, She committed the deed, But simple sectarian malice. A front-running bastard named Moffat, At seduction was one very cool cat, He'd spread open their thighs, With sweetly-voiced lies, While whispering "Exitus acta probat." (the end justifies the means) - F.B. A young married couple from Aberystwyth, Knew another young couple they played whist with, They all managed when able, To reach under the table, And play with what the other ones pissed with. A mathematician named Fine, Always showed her classes a good time, Instead of multiplication, She taught fornication, And never got past sixty-nine. There was a young dino named Barney, Whose treatment of kids was quite smarmy, He'd probe every hole, Then swallow 'em whole, Till his shit looked like children con carne. There was a young lady from Munich, Who was ravished one night by a eunuch, At the height of her passion, He slipped her a ration, From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. There once was a woman from Phlox, Who set dynamite off in her box, To describe the sensation, She cried with elation, "It's better than elephant cocks!" A woman from South Carolina, Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina, With proper sized cocks, What was sex, became Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. An unfortunate fellow named Chase, Had an ass that was badly misplaced, He showed indignation, When an investigation, Proved that few persons shit through their face. A horny old hasher from Brest, Showed up at Down-Downs undressed, When the harriettes all ran away, He said, "There'll be another day, Dum vita est, spes est." (while there's life, there's hope) - F.B. A certain young maiden from Babylon, Decided to lure all the rabble-on, By dropping her shirt, And raising her skirt, Exposing a market to dabble-on. There's a charming young lady named Julie, Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now . . . it's appallin', My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. There once was a rabbi from Keith, Who circumcised men with his teeth. It was not for the treasure, Nor sexual pleasure, But to get at the cheese underneath. While Titian was mixing rose madder, He espied a nude girl on a ladder. Her position to Titian, Suggested coition, So he climed up the ladder and had 'er. There once was a novice at Chichester, Whose form made the saints in their niches stir. One morning at matins, Her bosom 'neath stains, Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. A Roman who hailed from Gadondom, Used a fried hedgehog's hide for a condom. His mistress did shout, As he pulled the thing out, "De gustibus non disputandum!" (there is no disputing taste) There was a young man from Aberystwyth, Who said to the girl he just kissed with, "That hole in your crotch, Is for fucking and such, And not just a gadget to piss with." There was a young lady called Annie, Who had fleas, lice, and crabs up her fanny, To get up her flue, Was like touring the zoo, There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny. The OnSec from old Tallahassee Found his dick turning into a cacti, When his friends said "Who did it," He said, "I don't know yet, But undoubtedly, Dux femina facti." (a woman is the perpetrator of the deed) - F.B. There was an old whore from the Azores, Whose cunt was all covered in sores ,Even dogs in the street, Wouldn't touch the green meat, That hung in festoons from her drawers. There was a young girl from Assizes, Whose breasts were of two different sizes, The left one was small, Sweet nothing at all, The right one was large and won prizes. There was a young lady in Brent, Whose old man's pecker was bent, She said with a sigh, "Oh why must it die? Let's fill it with Portland Cement." There was a young man of Koblenz, The size of whose balls was immense, One day playing soccer, He sprung his left knocker, And kicked it right over the fence. There was a young lady named Alice, Who used dynamite for a phallus, They found her vagina, In North Carolina, Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace. There once was a lady from Arden, Who sucked a man off in a garden, He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said (swallow hard)"I beg pardon?" There was a young lawyer named Rex, With diminutive organs of sex, When hauled in for exposure, He replied with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." (the law does not concern itself with trivial things) She wasn't what one would call pretty, And other girls offered her pity. So nobody guessed, That her Wasserman test, Involved half of Oklahoma City. There was a young lady named Alice, Who thought of her cunt as a chalice, One night sleeping nude, She woke, feeling lewd, And found in her chalice a phallus. There once was a Filipino hombre, Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre. His trousers were wide, And his shirt hung outside, And this, I may say, was costumbre. There was a young man from Australia, Who painted his arse like a dahlia, The drawing was fine, The color divine, But the scent - Ah, that was a failure. There was a young fellow named Babitt, Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Lahore, Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it. A lady astrologist in Vancouver, Once captured a man by maneuver. Influenced by Venus, She jumped on his penis, And nothing on Earth could remove her. There was a young lady of Dexter, Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start, He'd unfailingly fart, With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. When Hillary said there would be no, White males on the cabinet or she'd go, An ex-lover named Flowers, Said, "Bill, use your powers, Te hominum esse memento." (remember you are a man) - F.B. There was a young lady from France, Who decided to take just one chance. For an hour or so, She just let herself go, And now all her sisters are aunts. There was a young lady from Maine, Who enjoyed copulating on a train. Not once, I maintain, But again and again, And again and again and again. An Eskimo on his vacation, Took a night off to succumb to temptation. 'Ere the night was half through, The Eskimo was, too, For their nights are of six months' duration. There once was a Duchess of Bruges, Whose cunt was incredibly huge, Said the King to his Dame, As he thunderously came, "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" Sir Reginald Basington Bart, Went to a masked ball as a fart, He had painted his face, Like a more private place, And his voice made the dowagers start. There was a young fellow named Brewster, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, "It used to be grand, But just look at my hand, You ain't wiping as clean as you used 'ter." There was a young man of Bengal, Who went to a fancy dress ball, Just for a stunt, He dressed up as a cunt, And was fucked by a dog in the hall. There was a young trucker named Briard, Who had a young whore that he hired, To fuck when not trucking, But trucking plus fucking, Got him so fucking tired he got fired. There was a young sailor named Bates, Who did the fandango on skates, He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. A woman from on the Equator, Once went out to sea on a freighter, She was screwed by the master, An utter disaster, But the crew all made up for it later. I once knew a girl named Maureen, Her cunt was a mass of gangrene, But health nuts, she found, Would still eat her mound, 'Cause maggots are high in protein. There once was a whore on the dock, From dusk unti dawn she sucked cock, She gave so much head, She exploded and whitewashed the dock. There was a young man of Belgrave, Who kept a dead whore in a cave, He said, "I admit, I'm a bit of a shit, But think of the money I save." An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know, A woman is fine, And sheep are divine, But a llama is numero uno." There was a young man from Bengal, Who had a rectangular ball, The square of its weight, Plus his penis times eight, Was two-fifths of five-eights of fuck all. There once was a poet named Dude, Whose wife was a bit of a prude, But after a beer, She'd start feeling queer, And ask the whole room if they screwed. There once was a fellow from Beverly, Went in for fucking quite heavily, He fucked night and day, Till his ballocks gave way, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. There once was a Bishop of Buckingham, Who wrote "Assholes and Twelve Ways of Rooting 'em," He then went berserk, When outdone by a Turk, Who wrote "Goats and Twelve Ways of Fucking 'em." When her daughter got married in Bicester, Her mother remarked as she kissed her, "That fellow you've won, Is sure to be fun, Since tea he's fucked me and your sister." Then there was the Bishop of Birmingham, Who screwed all the girls while confirming 'em, To the roars of applause, He'd pull down their drawers, And inject his Episcopal sperm in 'em. There was a young man of Bombay, Who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat of his prick, Turned the clay into brick, And it rubbed his foreskin away. There was a young man of Trieste, Who loved his young wife with such zest, That despite all her howls, He sucked out her bowels, And puked up the mess on her chest. There was a bloke in Calcutta, Who did a shit in the gutter, Sun was so hot, Melted his balls on the spot, And off they flowed like butter. There once was a young man from Boston, Who tried to get laid in a Nissan, There was room for his ass, And three gallons of gas, But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em. There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole, There's plenty of room in the right 'un." There was a young damsel named Baker, Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker, He yelled, "My God! What do you call thata twat? Why the entrance is more than an acre!" There was a young lady named Brent, With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and wide, The acoustics inside, Were so good you could hear when you spent. There once was a Queen of Bulgaria, Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a Prince from Peru, Who came for a screw, Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. There was a young girl who begat, Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat, It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding, When she found she had no tit for Tat. There was a young fellow named Bliss, Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus, His recalcitrant penis, Would never do better than this. A poofter from old Khartoum, Lured two lesbians up to his room, They argued all night, Over who had the right, To do what, and with which, and to whom. A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham, Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em, He sold them at Ware, To a gentleman there, Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em. There once was a man of Cape Nod, Who attempted to bugger a cod, When up came some scallops, That nibbled his ballocks, And now he's a eunuch, by God. There was a young woman of Chester, Who said to the man who undressed her, "I think you will find, That it's better behind, As the front is beginning to fester." There was a young woman of Croft, Who played with herself in the loft, Having reasoned that candles, Could never cause scandals, Besides which they did not go soft. There was a poor wretch from Cape Horn, Who wished he'd never been born, He wouldn't have been, If his father had seen, That the end of his rubber was torn. A policeman from near Clapham Junction, Had a penis which just wouldn't function, For the rest of his life, He misled his poor wife, With a snot on the end of his truncheon. Barney, purple master of tedium, Drives sane adults to delirium, Spouting multicultural drivel, He makes our brains shrivel, With messages of oneness ad nauseam. - F.B. There was a young lady of Cheam ,Who crept into the vestry unseen, She pulled down her knickers, And likewise, the vicar's, And said, "How about it, old bean?" A pretty young thing from Cape Cod, Said, "Good things come only from God," But 'twas not the Almighty, Who lifted her nightie, But Roger, the lodger, the sod. There was a young man from Killeen, Who invented a fucking machine, He pulled out the choke, And the bloody thing broke, And mixed both his balls into cream. A lady while dining at Crewe, Found an elephant's dong in her stew, Said the waiter, "Don't shout, Or wave it about, Or the others will all want one, too." King Louis, the exemplar of class, One time was romancing a lass, When she used the word, "Damn," He rebuked her, "Please ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue up my ass." There was an old man of Duluth, Whose cock was shot off in his youth, He fucked with his nose, And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth. There was a young lady of Kew, Who said as the Bishop withdrew, "The Vicar is slicker, And quicker and thicker, And two inches longer than you." The selfsame young lady of Kew, Said as the Vicar withdrew, "The Verger's emerger, Is longer and larger, And he gets his ballocks in too." A habit both vile and unsavory, Kept the Bishop of London in slavery, With lecherous howls, He deflowered little owls, That he kept in an underground aviary. There was a young lady called Phoebe, Who kept a small tame amoebae, The wee piece of jelly, Would crawl on her belly, And tenderly murmur "Ich liebe." John Wayne Bobbitt, unfortunate bum, Is back in his hospital room, He took physical therapy, Just a little too seriously, Now he's got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. - F.B. A shiftless young man from Kent, Made his wife fuck the landlord for rent, But as she got older, The landlord got colder, And now they live in a tent. There was a young couple named Kelly, Who were found stuck belly to belly, Because in their haste, They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. There was a young lady of Trail, Who offered her body for sale, She was kind to the blind, For on her behind, Her prices were written in Braille. A clever young harlot from Kew, Filled up her vagina with glue, She said, with a grin, "If they'll pay to get in, They can pay to get out of it too." There was a young fellow from Kent, Whose tool was most horribly bent, To save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went. There was a young man of Nantucket, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, He said, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were I cunt, I'd fuck it." Classical hasher, the Flying Booger, had all the girls sighing, By praising their twats in, Both Greek and in Latin, Then fucking them till they were dying. A towering boor named Infernal, Sported organs of sex internal, When an insensitive lass, Did take him to task, He replied, "Contraria contrariis curantur-al." (Things are cured by their opposite-als) - F.B. A man on a farm in Moritz, Once planted two acres of titz, They came up in the fall, Pink nipples and all, Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz. The brilliant young physicist Fisque, Was determined a security risque, For acts of perversion, Were his main diversion, At which one can only say, "Tisque." A frustrated virgin named Pugh, Once dreamed she was having a scrugh. Repenting her sin, he awoke with chagrin, At finding it perfectly trugh. To his bride said the one-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your east tit the least bit, The best of your west tit, Or is it a trick of perspective?" A guru from eastern Tibet, Now this is the strangest one yet, Had a member so long, So pointed and strong, He could skewer six yaks en brochette. A hillbilly farmer named Hollis, With possums and snakes sought his solace. His children had scales, And prehensile tails, And voted for Governor Wallace. Had enough? Here's more: There once was a man from Newcastle, Who had a collapsible asshole. It was handy, you see, When he farted at sea, He could bend down and make up a parcel. There once was a fellow from Redding, Who was constantly wetting the bedding. Till it made his wife say, "I don't mind the spray, It's the stench in the morning I'm dreading." There was a young man from Devizes, Whose ballocks were two different sizes. One weighed a full pound, And dragged on the ground, The other was large as a fly's is. An insatiable nymph from Penzance, Traveled by bus to South Hants. Five others fucked her, Besides the conductor, And the driver came twice in his pants. There once was a man from Belgravia, Found guilty of obscene behavior. When he met little girls, He'd rub spunk in their curls, When cautioned he said, "Spunk makes 'em wavier." A lady who lived in South Mimms, Had the most overwhelming of quims. The priest of the diocese, Has elephantiasis, So it wasn't all singing and hymns. There was a young fellow from Nottingham, Who saved up tin cans and put snot in 'em. He threw in some shit, To spice it a bit, And sold 'em to boys, who shot off in 'em. O.J., a hero of yore, Took to kicking in his ex's door, Then he went a bit whacko, Hopped in his white Bronco, And took L.A.P.D. on a tour. - F.B. There was a young girl from Bahia, Who liked sticking flutes up her rea-ha. After eating escargots, She could fart Handel's "Largo," Her encore was "Ave Maria." Ermyntrude of ample proportions, Always took contraceptive precautions. But one day little Ermyntrude, Let a little sperm intrude, "Does anyone here do abortions?" There was a young fellow from Stroud, Who could fart unbelievably loud. When he let go a big 'un, Dogs were deafened in Wigan, And the windowpanes shattered in Oudh. There once was a sheik from Algiers, Who said to his harem, "My dears, You may think it odd of me, But I've given up sodomy, And taken up fucking." Big cheers! Then up spoke his friend the mahout, "Fucking's all very well, I've no doubt, But I just had a bunk, Up an elephant's trunk." Cries of "Shame!" "Dirty sod!" "Chuck 'im out!" A randy young buck of Lahore, Was asked when he rogered his whore. "At eleven, At three, five, and seven, And eight, and a quarter past four." There was an old monk from Siberia, Who seemed to get wearier and wearier. No wonder_this monk, Was sharing his bunk, With his girlfriend, the Mother Superior. There was a young lady named Hilda, Who went for a walk with a builder. He knew that he could, And he should, and he would, And he did, and he goddamn near killed her. A chap down in old Oklahoma, Had a cock that could sing "La Paloma." But the sweetness of pitch, Couldn't put off the hitch, Of impotence, size, and aroma. Barney, that creature with no dick, Is so offensive he makes my old dog sick, With weird vacant eyes, And felt-covered thighs, He's hardly what I'd call Jurassic. - F.B. A disgusting young man named McGill, Made his neighbors exceedingly ill, When they learned of his habits, Involving white rabbits, And a bird with a flexible bill. There was a young girl named McCall, Whose cunt was exceedingly small. But the size of her anus, Was something quite heinous, It could hold seven pricks and one ball. A broken down harlot named Tupps, Was heard to confess in her cups, "The height of my folly, Was fucking a collie, But I got a nice price for the pups." There was a young plumber of Lea, Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." There was a young parson named Bings, Who talked about women and things. But his secret desire, Was a boy in the choir, With a bottom like jelly on springs. An elderly pervert in Nice, Was long past wanting a piece. He jacked off his hogs, His cow, and his dogs, Till his parrot called in the police. Lady apes all ran from King Kong, Whose dong was unspeakably long. But a friendly giraffe, Chewed the length of his staff, And ecstatically burst into song. A maiden who lived in Virginny, Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny. The hunting set chased her, Fucked, buggered, then dropped her, For the pitch of her organ went tinny. There was a young girl of Devon, Who was raped in the garden by seven, High Anglican priests, The lascivious beasts, Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. There was a young lady of Trent, Who said that she knew what it meant, When he asked her to dine, Private room, lots of wine, Oh she knew, yes she knew, but she went. An organist playing in York, Had a prick that could hold a small fork. And between obbligatos, It'd much at tomatos, And keep up his strength while at work. The last time I dined with the King, He did a curious thing. He stood on a stool, And took out his tool, And said, "If I play, will you sing?" Sam was a right-wing New Yawkah, A great fan of Mister Rush Limbaugh, When Oprah's guest, a pervert, Pulled down Donahue's skirt, Sam, filled with glee, chuckled Haugh-Haugh. - F.B. There once was a girl from Hoboken, Who claimed that her cherry was broken, From riding her bike, On a cobblestone pike, But it really was broken from pokin'. There was a young lady from Natchez, Who happened to be born with two snatches. She said, with some wit, I'd give either tit, For a man with equipment that matches. There once was a girl named Ann Heiser, Who claimed no man could suprise her. But Pabst to a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, And now he is sadder, Budweiser. There once was a lady from Wheeling, Who claimed she lacked sexual feeling. Till a cynic named Boris, Touched her clitoris, And they scraped her off of the ceiling. There once was a man named McSweeney, Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Now, just to be couth, He added vermouth, And slipped his girl a martini. There was a young fellow named Rick, Who was cursed with a spiraling dick. He started to hunt, For a twisted-up cunt, To match his curlicue prick. He found one and took it to bed, And then in dismay he dropped dead. For that spiraling snatch, Although nearly a match, Had come with a left-handed thread. A pretty young boy known as Kevin, Was raped in a pasture by seven Lascivious beasts, (Oh, those Anglican priests!) And such is the kingdom of heaven. It's easy enough to be happy, When your tits are 44-D. But the gal worthwhile, Can smile and beguile, With a bosom the size of a pea. So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda, That the studs yearned to part her pudenda. So they all were irate, When her first campus date, Wasn't Tom, Dick, or Harry - but Glenda! There was a young lady from Worchester, Who complained that too many men goosed her. So she traded her scanties, For sandpaper panties, Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. There was a young maiden named Hoople, Whose bosom was triple, not duple. She had one tit removed, But it grew back improved: At present Miss Hoople's quadruple. Adam and Eve were standing by a tree. Says Eve to Adam, "Will you eat with me?" Says Adam to Eve, when he'd had a taste, "Cover it with a fig leaf, or we'll Dry out the paste!" We recall with the fondest of ease The front aperture of Louise. Tho' shaped like a funnel, 'twas large as a tunnel With a space for a flying trapeze. We know an old gal from Decatur, With an ass like a ripe red tomater. She'll roll in the weeds, While you get off your seeds, And that's why us fellers all date her. There's an oversexed lady named Whyte, Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar, Had the brashness to wed her_ His chance of survival is slight. There was a young man from Bengal, Who claimed he had only one ball. But two little bitches, Pulled down this man's breeches, And proved he had nothing at all. What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling, Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling. In the daytime, his skill, Is close-order drill, While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling! Cried exuberant Sheik Fahzee Dik, "The E Vitamin has a great kick! My harem brood, Are frequently screwed, For it pricks up the shtick in my mick!" A physical fellow named Fisk, Could screw at a rate very brisk. So fast was his action, The Fitzgerald contraction, Would shrink up his rod to a disk. There was a young lady at sea, Who complained that it hurt her to pee. Said the brawny old mate, "That accounts for the state, Of the cook and the captain and me." An inventor of genius named Moore, Made himself a mechanical whore. But he failed when he wooed her, She unscrewed as he screwed her, And her clit clattered down to the floor. A self-centered sugar named Perkins, Would work off her urges with gherkins. Until, with a skid, Inside her one slid, And pickled her internal workin's. A silly young man from Hong Kong, Had hands that were skinny and long. He ate rice with his fingers - The taste of it lingers, But now all his fingers are gone. One evening a guru had coitus, With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position, He used for coition, He answered serenely, "The loetus." Your rich coffee cake, Sara Lee, Has made me a waist sixty-three. My stomach, alas, Is such a big mass, I can't even see ME when I pee. A lady from Kalamazoo, Once found she had nothing to do. So she sat on the stairs And she counted her hairs: Forty-three thousand and two. Cried an overhung fellow named Bowen, "My pecker keeps growin' and growin'. It's got so tremendulous, So long and so pendulous, It's no good for pecking . . . just showin'!" There once was a fellow named Potts, Who was prone to having the trots. But his humble abode, Was without a commode, So his carpet was covered with spots. A pretty young lady named Vogel, Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole, Nosed into her hole - Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. There was a young girl from East Lynn, Whose mother (to save her from Sin), Had filled up her crack, With hard-setting shellac, But the boys picked it out with a pin. A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux, Fell in love with a dashing young beau. To ensure his regard, She would squat in his yard, And longingly pee in the sneaux. There was a young lady from Rheims, Who amazingly pissed in four streams. A friend poked around, And a fly-button found, Lodged tight in her hole, so it seems. A hot blooded damsel, Miss Pickett, Had a hickey flare up in her thickett. The young doctor said, "Now lady, get spread, It's obvious I'll have to prickett!" A limerick packs laughs anatomical, Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen, So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. There was a young man named Crockett, Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch, As Crockett went off like a rocket. On a cannibal isle near Malaysia, Lives a lady they call Anastasia. Not Russian elite - She's eager to eat Whatever or whoever lays her. There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong!" There once was a man named Howells, Who sucked shit from other mens' bowels. He also did this, With prostitutes' piss, And the drippings from sanitary towels! A nervous old codger named Royce Couldn't control his sphincter by choice. So he speedily strode To his favorite commode, Blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced. There once was a man from Los Leaver Who had an affair with a beaver. The results of that fuck Were a canvas-backed duck, Two canoes, and a golden retriever. A languid young man from Racine Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen. He said, "I'll admit There's no milk in the tit, But think of the fun it has been." The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong When excited are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover Who was pained to discover She expected no less of his dong. A prudish young woman from Ealing, Professed to lack sexual feeling. But a cynic called Boris Just touched her clitoris, And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. The Farter from Sparta (a rare long-form limerick): There was a young fellow from Sparta, A really magnificent farter, On the strength of one bean He'd fart God Save the Queen, And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. He could vary, with proper persuasion, His fart to suit any occasion. He could fart like a flute Like a lark, like a lute, This highly fartistic Caucasian. He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And fizzle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus The Coriolanus: Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah! He was great in the Christmas Cantata, He could double-stop fart The Toccata, He'd boom from his ass Bach's B-Minor Mass, And in counterpoint, La Traviata. Spurred on by a very high wager With an envious Lieutenant Major, He proceeded to fart The complete oboe part Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major. It went off in capital style, And he farted it through with a smile; Then, feeling quite jolly, He tried the finale Blowing double-stopped farts all the while. The selection was tough, I admit, But it did not dismay him one bit, 'Til with ass thrown aloft He suddenly coughed - And collapsed in a shower of shit! Back to the top of the Page Melody - The Little Brown Jug (chorus only) This is performed in the same manner as the Limericks, with spoken verses and singing chorus, verses alternating around the circle CHORUS: Poerty, poetry, How do you like my poetry? Not as mellow as Longfellow, But it's poetry. Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day, It followed her to school one day, And a big black dog fucked it! Mary had a little sheep, And with the sheep she went to sleep, The sheep turned out to be a ram, And Mary had a little lamb. When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised. But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died. Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now Mary takes the lamb to school, Between two hunks of bread. Mary had a little lamb, And it was always gruntin'. She tied it to a five-bar gate, And kicked its little cunt in. Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. Now Mary found the price of meat too high, Which really didn't please her. Tonight she's having leg of lamb, The rest is in the freezer. Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its ass, And turned its wool to nylon. Mary had a little watch, She kept it in her garter. And when the boys asked her the time, She knew what they were after. Mary had a little lamb, You've heard this tale before; But did you know she passed her plate, And had a little more! Mary had a little lamb, She kept in her yard. Every time she took her panties off, His little wooly dick got hard. Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was black as charcoal. Every time it jumped the fence, You could see its little arsehole. Mary had a little lamb, The doctors were astounded. Everywhere that Mary went, Gynecologists surrounded. Mary had a little lamb, A little roast, a little jam. An ice-cream soda topped with fizz, Boy, how sick our Mary is. Mary had a little lamb, She couldn't stop it crying; So she kicked it in the ass one day, And sent it fucking flying. Mary had a little lamb, Forever it was gluing. Making models of its friends, In strange positions, screwing. Mary had a little lamb, It used to chew her slippers; So Mary chopped off all it's legs, With a pair of clippers. Mary had a little lamb, It didn't have a willy. Mary made a big mistake, In calling this lamb Billy. Mary had a little lamb, She knew just what to do; She gave it paper and a pen, Upon which it then drew, A picture of a pussy cat And said "Look, this is mine." And Mary said "Fuck me, a talking sheep!" Mary had a little lamb, That had a little tail. Until she caught it smoking dope, And locked it in the jail Mary had a little lamb, With carrots and with peas. A little mint sauce on the top, And stuffing in its knees. Mary had a little lamb, She liked to stroke it's head. Until one day she found her husband Fucking it in her bed. Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb didn't, because Mary was cunt. Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was sodden red; The reason for it was you see, It had a pick-axe through its head. When Mary had a little lamb, It created some division; It was not what she'd expected, And shocked the obstetrician. Mary had a little lamb, A giraffe and zebra too, By the time she'd finished, She'd fucked the whole damn zoo. Mary had a little lamb And now I've had enough Of this stupid girl called Mary And her wooly bit of muff. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner, Fingering his sister Mary. He stuck in his thumb, And pulled out a plum, And said, "Ain't it supposed to be a cherry?" Little Boy Blue . . . Because he needed the money. Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her, And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. Along came another spider, And crawled up inside her, So she crushed it to death with her spoon. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To get her poor dog a bone. But when old Mother bent over, Rover he drove her, 'cause He had a bone of his own. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To get her poor daughter a dress. When she got there the cupboard was bare, And so was her daughter, I guess. There once was an old lady, Who lived in a shoe, She had so many kids that her Cunt could stretch over a trash can. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do. It may be substandard, but just down the block, I know an old lady who lives in a sock." Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water, Jill came down with half a crown, But not for fetching water. Jack and Jill went up the hill, On an elephant. Jill got down and helped Jack off the elephant. Jack and Jill went up the hill, For just an itty bitty. Jill's now two months overdue, And Jack has left the city. Jack and Jill went up the hill, Each with a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents; Do you think they went for water? Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Silly Jill forgot the pill, And now they have a daughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down on top of Jill, And now they have another daughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To have a little fun. Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill! So now they have a son. Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a keg of brandy. Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy Jack and Jill went up the hill, To smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass And now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill went up the hill, Both carrying a bucket. When Jill bent down, her ass was round, And Jack decided to fuck it. Jack and Jill went up the hill, For a bit of hanky panky. Jill came back with a very sore crack, Jack must have been a Yankee Jack and Jill went up the hill, Each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two-fifty, The fuckin' whore! Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the king's horses, and all the king's men, Had one fucking big omelette. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candlestick, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jackie boy he singed his prick. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, But Jill preferred the candlestick! Little Willie, full of glee, Put radium in grandma's tea. Now he thinks it quite a lark, To see her shining in the dark. Little Willie, with a thirst for gore, Nailed his mommy's baby to the door. Mother said with humor quaint, Willie dear, don't spoil the paint. Little Willie, Brand new skates. Hole in ice, Pearly gates. The birds may kiss the bees goodbye, The buttercup . . . the butterfly. The morning dew may kiss the grass, And you, my friend, may kiss my ass. Oh give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard, A discouraging word, After all, just what can antelope say? Roses are violet, Reds are blue. I'm a dyslexic, And stuff too you. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, But this one doesn't. Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, And so am I. Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm amnesiac, And . . . Roses are red, Violets are blue. That's what they tell me, Because I'm blind. Roses are red, Violets are for plucking. Girls out of high school, Are ready for college. (the following verses were contributed by TAF, Belgium Manneke Piss HHH) Betty and Jack, up a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G First cums betty then cums jack Then cums the goo out of bettys crack Georgie porgie , pudding and pie Jerked off in his girlfriends eye When her eye was dry and shut Georgie fucked that one eyed slut Old king cole was a merry old soul And a merry old soul was he He chewed off his tit , ate his own shit And washed it down with some tea Hickory dickory dock Some chick was sucking my cock The clock struck two , i dropped my goo I dumped the bitch on the next block Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with two-fifty That fucking whore Mary, Mary ,quite contrary, Trim that pussy its so damn hairy Jack sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean So jack ignored those flabby tits and licked her asshole clean Rock a bye baby on the tree top Your mother's a whore I ain't your pop Peter Peter pumpkin eater Had a wife , loved to beat her Smacked her twice across the head Fucked her ass and went to bed Eenie meenie miney moe Suck my dick and swallow slow There was and old lady lived in a shoe She had so many kids her uterus fell out Patty cake patty cake bakers man If your chick's on her period fuck her in the can Mary had a little lamb She kept in her back yard When she took her panties off His little dick got hard Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle The cow jumped over the moon Thats more than my wife does The fat , fuckin smelly baboon Doe a deer, a female deer Ray, the guy that fucked her ass Roses are red violets are blue I fucked your mothers ass And she had you. Back to the top of the Page Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 days Man, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a man Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man Back to the top of the Page It Came to Pass From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward It came to pass, there was no ass, there was a famine in the land. And Daniel came unto the King, and Daniel sayeth unto the King, "Why is the Queen not a prostitute?" and the King casteth Daniel into the lions' den. "Fuck me," said the Queen, and no one moved except a decrepit old courtier, who'd sat in a corner wanking for nigh on fifty years, and grabbing hold of her by the lapels of her cunt, pulled her on like a well-worn seaboot. "Fuck me," said the Princess and the Knight rolled on. On the first day the King came unto Daniel, and Daniel espying the King from afar, picked up a lump of crystallized camel shit (bullshit not being available in those days), and let fly, hitting the King between the eyes. "Shit," said the King, and the King's word being law in the land, 50,000 asses turned toward the East and splattered the midday sun. "Stop," said the Queen, and the Queen's word also being law in those days, 20,000 turds were nipped in the bud. Nabob the Paybob From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward It came to pass, there was no ass, and NABOB, son of PAYBOB, traveled the road from Pompey to Guzz and he was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits, but ass bandits, who ragged him, bagged him, and shagged him and left him on the roadside gasping for a tickler and they drew lots for his burberry. The first person to walk past was not a tall man, he was not a short man, he was not a fat man, he was not a thin man, but a fucking great JOSSMAN who spat on him and crossed by on the other side. The next person to walk by was JENNY who came unto NABOB and sayeth, "What doest thou here?" and NABOB sayeth "I was traveling along the road from Pompey to Guzz and I was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits, but ass bandits who ragged me, bagged me, and shagged me, and left me on the roadside gasping for a tickler, and they drew lots for my burberry." And JENNY sayeth unto NABOB, "Dwell with me," and he dwelt. After forty days and forty nights he came unto the bay of sickness and JENNY sayeth unto him, "I am pregnant and what steps wilt thou take?" and NABOB sayeth "Bloody big ones!" and disappeareth into the wilderness. Here endeth the lesson. Sharp Operator From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward There was a young lady who swallowed a Wilkerson Sword stainless steel razor blade. Not only did she suffer a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, and a hysterectomy, but she castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the vicar a harelip, and she still had five shaves left. One Hen Tongue Twister This is a drinking recital I learned at the 44th TFS at Kadena Air Base, Japan - the leader shouts the first line and everybody else shouts it back; the leader shouts the first and second lines and everybody else shouts them back; and so on through the tenth line - if you say it right, you drink; if you screw it up, you drink . . . F.B. - One hen - Two ducks - Three squawking geese - Four Limerick oysters - Five corpulent porpoises - Six pairs of Don Alveezer's tweezers - Seven thousand Macedonian warriors charging in full battle armor - Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt - Nine apathetic, syphilitic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity toward procrastination and sloth - Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who quoth quay through the quivy of the quarry constantly and at the same time - Right? - (all shout) Right! Back to the top of the Page (this is a bit of "Xerox-ware" slightly improved upon by Flying Booger) The Ghost - You know you've shit; it smells like shit; there's shit on the toilet paper; but there's nothing in the toilet. Teflon-Coated Shit - Also known as the Ronald Reagan. Comes out so slick, clean, and easy you don't even feel it. No traces on the paper. You have to look in the bowl to be sure. Gooey Shit* - Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe yourself 12 times and still don't come clean. You end up stuffing toilet paper in your drawers to keep from staining them. This shit leaves permanent marks on the porcelin. The Not Again! Shit - You're all done and standing up when you realize you have to shit some more. The Vein-Popper - It won't come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple. This is the one that killed Elvis. The Richard Simmons - You shit so much you lose ten pounds. Corn Shit - Self-explanatory. The Right Now! Shit - You'd better be within ten feet of a toilet. Usually it's part-way out by the time you get your pants down. Green Shit - Almost always the result of eating spinach salad. The Noisy Shit* - Accompanied by loud, stuttering farts that you can't seem to control. This shit would embarrass Roseanne Barr. The Sneaky Shit - You're standing there taking a piss and you feel a little fart building up. You let it fly, and guess what? Surprise! The King Kong* - This one is so big you have to break it into smaller chunks before it'll flush. A coat hanger works well for this task. The Cork Shit* - Also known as the Floater. Even after the third flush it's still there. Wet Cheeks Shit - Hits the water sideways and makes a big splash. It invariably occurs when you're down to the last sheet of toilet paper. The Calamari Express - Also known as the Clinger. Comes after dining on octopus or squid. Those little tentacles latch onto your asshole and won't let go. The Wish Shit - You sit for hours, all cramped up, and produce only a few farts. Cement Block Shit - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you dropped this load. The Achoo Shit* - Akin to an anal sneeze, it explodes from you with sudden and great force. You'd better check the toilet afterwards, because it'll spray everywhere, even up on the bottom of the seat. Snake Shit - Fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb, and three feet long. Mexican Food Shit - Also known as the Screamer. You'll know it's safe to eat again when your asshole stops burning. Beer Drunk's Shit* - Comes the day after the night before. Shit usually smells bad, but this shit smells BAAAAAD! * Only occurs when there's a person of the opposite sex standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. Usually you're in someone else's house. from Monty Python (copyrighted material) Background noise: sounds of silverware and cups clinking, etc . . . Male customer: "Sit here, dear." Female customer: "All right." Male customer (to waitress): "Morning." Waitress: "Morning." Male customer: "Wot you got?" Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and Spam; egg, bacon, and Spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and Spam; Spam, bacon, sausage, and Spam; Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon, and Spam; Spam, sausage, Spam, Spam, Spam, bacon, Spam, tomatoe, and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam . . ." Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Spamity Spam! Waitress: "Or Lobster Thermidor et Cruvettes with a Bernaise sauce served in the Provencal manner with shallots and oeuvres garnished with truffle patty, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and Spam." Female Customer: "Have you got anything without Spam?" Waitress: "Well, there's Spam, eggs, sausage, and Spam. That's not got much Spam in it." Female Customer: "I don't want any Spam." Male customer: "Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?" Female Customer: "That's got Spam in it." Male customer: "Hasn't got as much Spam in it as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam, has it?" Female Customer: "Wot, d'ye mean egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam, then? Waitress: "Eeeeeewwaugh!" Female Customer: "Wot d'ye mean, 'eeeeeeewwaugh?' I don't like Spam!" Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam! Waitress: "Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings . . . you can't have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam!" Female Customer (screaming): "I don't like Spam!!!" Male customer: "Hush, dear, don't cause a fuss . . . I'll have your Spam. I love it. I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam." Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam! Waitress: "Shut up! (Vikings stop) Baked beans are off." Male customer: "Could I have Spam instead of the baked beans, then?" Waitress: "You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam?" Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam, Spamity Spam, Wonderful Spam, Spamity Spam, Lovely Spam, Lovely Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! Back to the top of the Page Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 On the street of a thousand assholes 'Neath the sign of the swinging tit, Stood a beautiful Chineese maiden, Her name was "Who Flung Shit." She stood in celestial splendor, Her eyes like pools of piss, As she diddled herself with a candle, And stood in eternal bliss. She thought of her friends on Bond Street, She thought of her friends on Bow, She thought of the score she'd laid on the floor When in walked "One Hung Low." "Fly into my arms thou bag of shit," He said with his cock in hand, "My love for thee will last like snow Upon the desert sand." She gently raised her starboard tit And scratched her itchy prat, Then she said with a half-assed grin, "Why don't you fuck your hat?" Anger overcame him As he pissed upon the wall, Cock in hand he fucked his hat And tread on his one good ball. Now on the street of a thousand assholes 'Neath the sign of the pregnant cat, They bore him away in splendor, The man who had fucked his hat. Back to the top of the Page To a man: May the bleeding piles possess him and adorn his bloody feet, May crabs the size of horseturds climb up his legs and eat; And when he's as old as I am and naught but a bloody wreck, May his head fall down through his asshole and break his fucking neck. To youth: When I was a young man, I used to be so proud, I had a cock so mighty, I wanted to shout out loud. It never took a day off; it was always there, And every morning when I shaved, it would stand and stare. Now I'm old and weary, my pilot light's gone out, What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout, Oh, I'm gray and wrinkled, and it sure gives me the blues, To see the thing hang down my leg to watch me shine my shoes. When I was a little girl, I had a little quim; I'd stand before the looking-glass, and put one finger in. But now that I am old and gray, and losing all my charm, I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm. To women: Here's to the gash that never heals, The more you touch it the better it feels, Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell, You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell. Here's to the girl who lives on the hill, If she won't do it her sister will Here's to her sister! Here's to the breezes That blow through the treeses And lift girls' chemises Way over their kneeses And show us the creases That twitches and squeezes And teases and pleases And carries diseases By Jesus! Here's to the lady dressed in black, Once she walks by she never looks back, And when she kisses, oh, how sweet, She makes things stand that never had feet. Here's to the girl who I love best, I love her best when she's undressed, I'd fuck her sitting, standing, lying, If she had wings I'd fuck her flying, And when she's dead and long forgotten, I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten! Let's have a toast to her honor! Response: Get on her and stay on her! Here's to Mag, that filthy hag, That sleazy, slimy slut. Green fungus lies between her thighs, And worms crawl out her butt. Before I'd scale those scabby legs, Or suck those pus-filled tits, I'd drink a gallon of buzzard puke, And die of the drizzly shits. To love: Man's occupation, Is to stick his cockulation, Up the woman's ventilation, To increase the population, Of the coming generation. (Also sang as a Down-Down Song) Here's to the game of twenty toes, It's played all over the town. The women play with ten toes up, The men with ten toes down. (this Spanish toast starts out with the man holding his glass above the woman's and saying): "At times above you," (then he moves his glass below hers and says): "At times below you," (then he clinks the glasses and says): "Always beside you," (then he pours a little of whatever he has in his glass into hers and says): "And sometimes inside you!" (In Spanish): "A veces abajo de ti, A veces debajo de ti, Siempre a lado de ti, A veces a dentro de ti!" To a life well-lived: Here's to me in my sober mood, When I ramble, sit, and think. Here's to me in my drunken mood, When I gamble, sin, and drink. And when my days are over, And from this world I pass, I hope they bury me upside down, So the world can kiss my ass! To drink: Times are hard, And wages are small, So drink more beer, And fuck 'em all. If I had a dog that could piss this stuff (hold up beer mug) And if I thought he could piss enough I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed And suck his dick till we both were dead! Back to the top of the Page A Tragedy in Five Scenes by Francis Seidov Bacon Contributed by Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH Introduction This is the earliest and worst of Bacon's plays, probably written about the time of the last Banks Holiday in Barbados. The plot is sauced from B_arnaise the Elder whose piquant writings influenced the young Bacon during his formative years. The spectator is called upon to accept much that is improbable and the play has none of the lyrical realism which characterised his later works such as Omelette, Prince of Denmark, and Henry Binnema, Part II. There can be no sympathy for the main characters whose outrageous and unnatural cruelty drive them to their tragic doom. Dramatis Personae James Elliot, a butcher Rob Bateson, a fisherman Derek Russell, a herald (and RA) John Clooney, a FRB Alison Elliot, a loyal wife Mark Doktoroff, a doctor Malcolm Gibbons, a baker Annie Seymour, an officer from HMS Boxer Peppermint, a dog About forty hashers including naval ratings. Scene I A rain-swept clump of trees close to Morgan Lewis beach. Several battered vehicles lie on their sides after traversing a mile of impassable terrain. Bruised hashers tend their wounds as if after a battle. A lynching mob is being organised. Enter James Elliot carrying a dead pig. Rob: Alas, poor Grunwell, I knew him well! All: Let fall thy chopper. Despair and die! James: Friends, Baijans, Hashermen Give me your beers. I come to cook this pig Not to bury it! The evil I have done lives after me But the good is on these bones. For thee alone - $6 a plate. Peppermint: Woof, woof. Alarums sound Exeunt all, shouting ON-ON Scene II A blasted heath half way to Foster's Fun Land. The hashers are unrecognisable. A number have drowned crossing two raging torrents and Jan Bateson has sunk to her ears in a puddle. All are covered in mud and several shoes have been lost.The trail of flour has disappeared in the lashing rain. Enter John, returning from St Nicholas' Abbey. Derek: ARE YOU? John: To be or not to be, That is the question Whether 'tis nobler in the mind To follow the rings and arrows of outrageous hashers Or return to find the loathsome hares And by strangulation, end them. Jan: But soft! What light through yonder tree fork breaks? It is a dot and then another. Arise fair hashers, the trail is found Let's to the beach! Peppermint: Out! Out! damned spots Exeunt all, shouting as before Scene III Morgan Lewis Beach. The waves pound the shore. A bedraggled line of hashers stumbles South, leaning into the wind. Only Malcolm Gibbons, delirious, runs in the sea. Enter Mark Doctoroff, going North with an escort. Mark: Hail fellows! Well met! God and your legs be praised, victorious friends! All: Oh, sod off, Mark. Derek: Over hill and over dale Through bog and beach Through flood, through fire I have hashed everywhere. Swifter I, than Patti Roach Picking up a sailor! John: The on-in draws nigh! Those hares shall burn in never quenching fire. Come! Let us rid the world of their foul presence. John rushes to the bar and collapses, weeping. Slowly the other hashers stagger in and order Banks. Some are armed with axes and prepare to execute the hares. Scene IV The bar. James and Rob are on their knees before the podium. Derek, dressed in the RA's regalia stands on the podium and gives orders that the shit shirt be made particularly revolting for the occasion. The pig is roasting in the China box, but many hashers feel that the hares should take its place. Derek: O, be thou damned, inexecrable dogs! Peppermint: Who me? Alison: The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth like this downpour from heaven Upon the bog beneath. GUILTY! Derek: Thou hast undone thyselves. Prepare to die. I shame to hear thee speak, O timorous wretches. Thou hast besmirched us with mud and set a most piteous hash. Some are born shits, some achieve shittiness And some have shittiness thrust upon them. But thou takest the biscuit. Therefore, DRINK ! The hares don the shirt. Furious hashers cover them with mud and sand. Ruth Palmer casts a bucket of cold water over them to express her appreciation of the hash. The bar is opened and several more die in the rush. Scene V Unfortunately, Bacon never completed this scene because drunkenness overtook him, or perhaps because he ate some of Elliot's pig. The only surviving fragments of the manuscript refer disjointedly to a game of cricket and a tug-of-war on the beach. How exciting the final d_nouement may have been can best be judged from the following scrap of dialogue, scribbled at the bottom of the last quarto, apparently referring to the tug-of war. Annie Seymour: Men of HMS Boxer! Take up the slack! PULL! Malcolm Gibbons: Hashers of the BHHH! Take up the slack: PUSH! Exeunt all, thoroughly plastered after a great day at the beach. Thanks to the hares and to all those who joined in the fun. Back to the top of the Page This one is a compiliation of insults/cheers from U.S. playgrounds, the movies Wildcats and Bring It On, and the minds of various sick hashers! U-G-L-Y, You aint got no alibi, You're ugly, hey hey, you're ugly! U-G-L-Y, You could make an onion cry, You're ugly, hey hey, you're ugly! Face Down Ass Up, That's the way you have to f*ck, You're ugly, hey hey, you're ugly! M-A-M-A, How you think you got that way? Your mama, hey hey, your mama! D-A-D-D-Y, You don't even know that guy! Your daddy, hey hey, your daddy! C-U-T-E You wish you were more like me! I'm Cute, hey hey, I'm cute! H-O-M-O You don't need no birth control, You're gay, hey hey, you're gay! M-U-S-T-Y You don't use no Soft-N-Dry, You're musty, hey hey, you're musty! From the Wankers at the Big Heads H3: U-N-C-L-E We know your real Daddy's Your Uncle, hey hey, your Uncle! T-I-T-S We know where you got those breasts, You bought 'em, hey hey, you bought 'em! F-I-S-H-Y We can smell your sister's thighs, They're fishy, hey hey, they're fishy! Back to the top of the Page By Richard Lederer (copyrighted material) One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. |