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Aahlaweta (harriettes' version) Away from You Balls of O'Leary Balls to Mister Banglestein Barnacle Bill Bastard King of England Big Jess British Soldier (aka Suzie Wong) Christopher Columbo (two versions) Christopher Robin Clancy Lowered the Boom Clint Meets the Gay Caballero Clinton's Queen Berets Davy Cockhead Do Ye Ken John Peel? Drunken Sailor F-A-T-H-E-R Fireman's Song Friar of Great Renown Fuck the Giant Penis Gay Caballero Heigh-Ho Says Rowley |
He's a Blow-Up Doll He's a Cunt Hitler, He Only Had One Ball I'm Your Mailman Inbred Man Inside those Red Plush Breeches Ivan Skavinsky Scavar Jesus Saves John Brown's Penis King of the Nerds Large Balls Legend of Chernobyl Sam Lloyd George Lumberjack Song Men Monk of Great Renown Mr. Gangbang Municipal Sewerageman My Father My Grandfather's Cock |
O-B-G-Y-N Old King Cole One-Eyed Riley Pioneers Please Do Not Tread on My Balls Poofters (Flinstone's Version) Rajah of Astrakhan Redneck Mother Sammy Small Secret Anus Man Scotsman's Kilt Tale of Young Freddie Bloor Ted Kennedy The Tinker The Traveler This Old Man Three German Officers Vicar In the Dockside Church Vlad Wanky Doodle Yu Wee Flung Lu Wee Zenner Man |
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Melody - Alouette (male volunteer needed) CHORUS: Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai. Leader: Does he have the thinning hair? Pack: Yes, he has the thinning hair, Leader: Thinning hair Pack: Thinning hair Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . (chorus) Leader: Does he have the wrinkled brow? Pack: Yes, he has the wrinkled brow. Leader: Wrinkled brow, Pack: Wrinked brow, Leader: Thinning hair, Pack: Thinning hair, Leader: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . (chorus) Roving eyes . . . Crooked nose . . . Lifeless tongue . . . Double chin . . . Hairy tits . . . Big beer belly . . . Big fat ass . . . Tiny thing . . . Rug-burned knees . . . Smelly feet . . . Leader: Now isn't he a very nice guy? Pack: Yes, he is a very nice guy, Leader: Nice-a guy, Pack: Nice-a guy, All: Alouette! Aah, aah, aah, aah . . . Chorus How I love his (repeat all above . . .) Back to the top of the Page Melody - Close to You Composed by Bollox, PH3, sung to Flubber in 2008 Why do birds fall out of the sky every time you walk by Just like me, they want to be away from you Chorus: Waaaaaaaaaahhh, away from you. pa-bah-bah pa-bah-bah Waaaaaaaaaahhh, away from you. pa-bah-bah pa-bah-bah On the day that you were born The devils got together And thought they'd make nightmare come true So they took a bucket of shit, stood around and puked in it and they got you why do stars all disappear every time you are near Just like me, they have to be away from you Chorus That is why all the girls in town run away when you're around Just like me, they have to be away from you Chorus Melody - Itself The balls of O'Leary, Are wrinkled and hairy, They're stately and shapely, Like the dome of Saint Paul's. The women all muster, To view that great cluster, Oh, they stand and they stare, At the bloody great pair, Of O'Leary's balls. Melody - Barnacle Bill the Sailor (Who's That Knocking at My Door) There was an old monk of great renown, There was an old monk of great renown, There was an old monk of great renown, And he fucked the women all over the town. Chorus: (Spoken) The sod, the dirty old sod, The bastard deserves to die. Have mercy on his soul. Fuck him! Glory, glory hallelujah. (Sung, tune: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin) Balls to Mister Banglestein, Banglestein, Banglestein, Balls to Mister Banglestein, dirty old sod. For he keeps us all waiting while he's masturbating Balls to Mister Banglestein, dirty old sod. The other monks cried out in shame, The other monks cried out in shame, The other monks cried out in shame, So he turned around and he fucked them again. Chorus The other monks grew tired of his frolics, The other monks grew tired of his frolics, The other monks grew tired of his frolics, So they took a knife and they cut off his ballocks. Chorus Melody - Barnacle Bill the Sailor (also known as "Bollocky Bill") (falsetto) Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Cried the fair young maiden. (bass) It's only me from across the sea, Said Barnacle Bill the sailor. It's only me from across the sea, Said Barnacle Bill the sailor. Why are you knocking at my door? 'Cos I'm young enough and ready and rough. You can sleep upon the floor. Oh get off the floor, you dirty old whore. You can sleep upon the mat. Oh bugger the mat, you can't fuck that. You can sleep on the stairs. Oh bugger the stairs they ain't got hairs. You can sleep between my tits. Oh bugger your tits, they give me the shits. You can sleep between my thighs. Oh bugger your thighs, they're covered with flies. You can sleep within my cunt. Oh bugger your cunt, but I'll fuck for a stunt. What will we do when the baby's born? Oh we'll drown the bugger and fuck for another. Melody - The Irish Washerwoman Oh, the minstrels sing of an English King, Of many long years ago, He ruled his land with an iron hand, Though his mind was weak and slow. He loved to hunt the royal stag, Around the royal wood, But better by far he loved to sit, And pound the royal pud. CHORUS: He was lousy and dirty and covered in fleas, The hair on his balls hung down to his knees, God bless the bastard King of England. Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane, And a sprightly wench was she, She longed to fool with the royal tool, From far across the sea. So she sent a royal message, With a royal messenger, To invite the King of England down, To spend the night with her. Now Ol' Philip of France he heard by chance, Within his royal court, And he swore, "She loves my rival best, Because my tool is short. I'll give the Queen a dose of clap, To pass it on to the bastard King of England." When news of this foul deed was heard, Within the royal halls, The King he swore by the royal whore, He'd have the Frenchman's balls, He offered half the royal purse, And a piece of Queen Hortense, To any British subject, Who would do the King of France. So the noble duke of Middlesex, He took himself to France, He swore he was a fairy, So the King let drop his pants, Then on Philip's dong he slipped a thong, Leaped on his horse and galloped along, Dragging the Frenchman back to merry old England. When they returned to London town, Within fair England's shores, Because of the ride King Philip's pride, Was stretched a yard or more, And all the whores in silken drawers, Came down to London town, And shouted round the battlements, "To hell with the British crown." And Philip alone usurped the throne, His scepter was his royal bone, With which he ditched the bastard King of England. Rule, Britannia, marmalade and jam, Five Chinese crackers up your asshole, Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Melody - Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean Parody by Billy C. Wirtz, contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material) Every day at the Senate you could see him arrive His age and I.Q. were both about sixty-five Narrow in the mind and red in the neck Nobody knew what the hell to expect from Big Jess Big Jess, biigg Jessss . . . BIG BAD JESS! Nobody really knew what made him so mean Some said it might be a lack of sumpin' in his genes Some speculated that he'd been dropped on his head Or that his family were Bakers and that they were a little inbred Big Jess The press and the critics all thought it mighty scary That his butt was in D.C. and his mind in Mayberry The press and the critics never bothered him a bit But those hairy-legged feminists nearly made him shit Big Jess Big Jess, what a mess BIG BAD JESS! And then came the day in Hilton Head When Jesse went swimmin' and nearly ended up dead A wave came along and knocked him sprawlin' And dragged him out to sea screamin' and ballin' Big Jess Jesse figured it was over and the devil was even When along in a rowboat came a fellow named Steven Jesse hollered, "Help me, help me! I'm Senator Jess!" And he said, "You're getting sunburn and your hair is a mess, Big Jess" And what happened next has never been explained clearly You might say that Helms began to behave sorta queerly He said, "You got it all wrong, I'm a misunderstood man, And by the way Steven you've got a very savage tan." "Merci, Jess" Steven threw Jesse a life preserver And Jesse wondered how to explain it to the News and Observer He said "You know Steven you're a real good pal" And that night they went dancing at the Capitol Corral Big Jess You can bet the Republicans made a hell of a noise When Jesse admitted, "I'm one of the boys" The folks in the Senate knew he was under the weather When he appeared with pierced nipples and tight black leather Big Jess Jesse almost lost his life But he got a new friend He didn't understand it at first But he got it in the end Big Jess Big Jess, biigg Jessss . . . BIG BAD JESS! Melody - Its Own Chorus: We don't like you British Soldier Yankee pay 5 dollar more Verses: Yankee calls me honey baby British calls me fucking whore Yankee knocks upon my window British kicks the fuckin' door Yankee screws for just 5 minutes British fucks for evermore Yankee cocks are sometimes limpy British cocks, they leave me sore Yankee lifts me on my pillow British fucks me on the floor Yankee tender kissed my nipples British licks my pussy raw Yankee treats me like his mother British fucks me on all fours Yankee sends me gold and diamonds Brits write postcards from the moor Yankee sleeps soon like a baby British makes me want some more Melody - Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety-Two, A schoolboy from It-aly, Walked the streets of ancient Rome, And jacked off in the alley. CHORUS: He knew the world was round, oh, He knew it could be found, oh, That mathematical, geographical, Son of a bitch, Columbo. Colombo went to the Queen of Spain, And asked for ships and cargo, He said he'd kiss the royal ass, If he didn't bring back Chicago. Now three slick ships set out to sea, Each one a double-decker, The queen she waved her handkerchief, Colombo waved his pecker. The sailors on Columbo's ship, Had each his private knothole, But Columbo was a superman, And used a padded porthole. Colombo came upon the deck, His cock was like a flagpole, He grabbed the bo'sun by the neck, And shoved it up his asshole. Columbo had a one-eyed cat, He kept it in the cabin, He rubbed its ass with axle grease, And started in a-jabbin'. Columbo had a first mate, He loved him like a brother, Every night in the pale moonlight They buggered one another. For forty days and forty nights, They sailed the broad Atlantic. Columbo and his scurvy crew, For want of a piece were frantic. They spied a whore upon the shore, And off came shirts and collars, In twenty minutes by the clock, She'd made ten thousand dollars. With a joyful shout they ran about, And practiced fornication, When they sailed they left behind, Ten times the population. And when his men pulled out again, To take their homeward trip up, They'd caught the pox from every box, And syphilized all Europe. Columbo went in haste to the Queen, Because it was his duty, He gave to her a dose of clap, He had no other booty. So she threw him in a stinking jail, And left him there to grumble, A ball and chain tied to his balls, So ended poor Columbo. COLUMBO (Version # 2) Melody - Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue In fourteen hundred and ninety-two A man whose name was Chris Stood by the Trevi fountain Indulging in a piss. CHORUS: His balls they were so round-o His cock hung to the ground-o That fornicating, copulating son-of-a-bitch Columbo. Along did come the Queen of Spain And glimpsing there his dong, Forthwith was smitten with desire And knew not right from wrong. "Oh, Isabelle," Columbo said, A-waving of his balls, "The world is round as these are, I feel that duty calls." "Just wait a bit," said Isabella. "And don't forget essentials, For I've a mind to have a grind And check on your credentials." She gave her guest no time for rest, The pace was fairly killing, With legs apart he gave the tart A cream and cherry filling. For forty days and forty nights He sailed the broad Atlantic, Columbo and his scurvy crew For want of a screw were frantic. And when they got to Yankee land They spied a Yankee harlot When they came her cunt was lily-white When they left her cunt was scarlet. With lustful shout they ran about And practiced copulation And when they left to sail away They doubled the population. And when his men pulled out again, And reckoned all their score up, They'd caught a pox from every box That syphilized all Europe. Melody - Davy Crockett Down in the valley where the black grass grows, There lives a lady without any clothes. Along came a man with a cap and a stick, Down went his pants, and up went his prick. CHORUS: Davy, Davy Cockhead, King of the wild fuckers. Three months past and all was well, Six months past, oh, what a swell, Nine months pass, oh, what a shock! Out came a baby with a nine-inch cock. Melody - Its Own Now Clancy was a peaceful man, if you know what I mean. The cops picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene. He never looked for trouble, that's a fact you can assume. But never-the-less, when trouble would press, Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus: Oh, that Clancy! Oh, that Clancy! Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom! O'Leary was a fighting man, they all knew he was tough. He strutted 'round the neighborhood, a-shootin' off his guff. He picked a fight with Clancy, then and there he sealed his doom. Before you could shout "O'Leary, look out!" Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus Clancy left the barber shop with tonic on his hair, He walked into the poolroom and he met O'Reilly there. O'Reilly said "For goodness sakes, now do I smell perfume?" Before you could stack your cue in the rack, Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus Mulrooney walked into the bar and ordered up a round. He left his drink to telephone, and Clancy drank it down. Mulrooney said "Who drunk me drink? I'll lay him in his tomb!" Before you could pat the top of your hat, Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus O'Houlihan delivered ice to Misses Clancy's flat. He'd always linger for a while, to talk of this and that. One day he kissed her just as Clancy walked into the room. Before you could say the time of day, Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus The neighbors all turned out for Kate O'Grady's weddin' night. McDoogle said "Let's have some fun I think I'll start a fight!" He wrecked the hall, then kissed the bride and pulverized the groom. Then quick as a wink, before you could think, Clancy lowered the boom! Chorus Melody - Christopher Robin Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs, Clutched in his hands is a tuft of white hairs, Oh, my, just fancy that, Christopher Robin castrated the cat. Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed, Lily-white hands are caressing his head, Oh, my, couldn't be worse, Christopher Robin is fucking his nurse. Little boy sits on the lavatory pan, Gently caressing his little old man, Flip flop, into the tank, Christopher Robin is having a yank. Melody - Itself By King RongJohn, Gypsies in the Palace HHH, San Francisco; contributed by Tongueless, GPHHH (this song has nothing to do with "The Gay Caballero," below) Clint was a cowboy, he rode on the range, When he came into town he would sing this refrain: Key yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, I'll gladly pay Tuesday for a blowjob today. On Clint at the whorehouse the door was slammed shut, His credit not good for a worm eaten slut. Key yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, You cannot pay Tuesday for a blowjob today. Into his saddle Clint dejectedly sank, He sat on his horse and he started to wank. Key yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, I cannot pay Tuesday for a blowjob today. The Gay Caballero, his name was Latrell, Rode in with a song that made Clint's member swell. Ke yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, You can pay me on Tuesday for a blowjob today. For the Gay Caballero ol' Clint was no match, They found him sucked dry in a tumbleweed patch. Key yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, Well the Gay Caballero won't get paid Tuesday. The moral is clear if you're looking for it, A blowjob on credit is worthless as shit. Key yai yai yippie yai yai, key yai yai yippie ay, That's Clint meets the Gay Caballero, OlQ! Melody - Ballad of the Green Berets (reportedly written by White House HHH) Falling fairies from the sky, I broke a nail, Oh I could cry. Don't you like how my tush sways? We are the fags of the Queen Berets. Bill Clinton's words upon my ears, "You gays have rights, be proud my dears." I once was scared, now I'm okay, Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets. Put silver ear clips on my nuts, I love pain, now spank my butt. The way you walk is awfully cute, I sure would like to pack your chute! This Army stuff is really slick, Free meals and clothes and lots of dicks. When I retire, I still get paid, We thank you, Bill, from the Queen Berets. Melody - Same Do ye ken John Peel, With his prick of steel, And his balls of brass, And his celluloid arsehole? Do ye ken John Peel, With his prick of steel? And it all comes out in the morning. Melody - Drunken Sailor What shall we do with the drunken sailor, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, Earlye in the morning? CHORUS: Way, hey, and up she rises, Way, hey, and up she rises, Way, hey, and up she rises, Earlye in the morning. Put him to bed with the captain's daughter (three times) Earlye in the morning. Hang him by the balls in a running bowline Earlye in the morning. Shave his crotch with a rusty razor Earlye in the morning. Shove a hosepipe up his arsehole Earlye in the morning. Tie his prick in a double half-hitch Earlye in the morning. That's what we'll do with the drunken sailor Earlye in the morning. Melody - The chorus from Mother F is for the funny face on Father, A for all the Alcohol he drinks, T is for the times that he beats Mother, H is for his heart as black as ink (refrain) as black as ink E for all the empties in the cellar, R is for the right he'll never be. Put them all together they spell F-A-T-H-E-R The guy that beat the hell outta me (dad, why'd you do it?) The guy that beat the hell outta me. Melody - Itself Clang, clang, clang, And the goddamn fire went out. Oh for the life of a fireman, To ride on a fire engine red, To say to a team of white horses, "Give me head, give me head, give me head!" My father is a fireman, He puts out fires. My brother is a fireman, He puts out fires. My sister Sal is a fireman's gal, She puts out, too. Melody - Barnacle Bill the Sailor Also see "The Monk of Great Renown" There was a friar of great renown, There was a friar of great renown, There was a friar of great renown, And then he fucked the girl from out of town, Fucked the girl from out of town. CHORUS (SHOUTED): Ha, ha, ha, Ho, ho, ho. Horse shit. That dirty old son of a bitch, That rotten old cocksucker. Fuck him. He laid her on a downy bed, He laid her on a downy bed, He laid her on a downy bed, And busted in her maidenhead. He shoved it in until she died, He shoved it in until she died, He shoved it in until she died, And then he fucked the other side. He took her to the burial ground, He took her to the burial ground, He took her to the burial ground, He thought he'd go another round. The friar cried from grief and shame, The friar cried from grief and shame, The friar cried from grief and shame, So he fucked her back to life again. Melody - Puff the Magic Dragon Once a pure white virgin lived by the sea, She frolicked o'er pastoral fields, her name Virginity, A sweet young lass of just sixteen, a rosebud ripe and firm, She wandered o'er the verdant hills, not knowing of the sperm. Well, Fuck the giant penis lived not far away, His cock was damn near two feet long; he poked one twice a day, He was an Ivy Leaguer with vest and pinstriped suit, He drove a roadster XKE, the sexed-up extrovert. One day while he was reaming around the rural strips, He spied her picking flowers there_that lass with swinging hips, He jumped out of the driver's seat and grabbed her by the ass, He tore off all her clothing, and laid her in the grass. Her maidenhead was busted, the ground ran bloodyred, He poked her till the twilight came, then took her home to bed, He poked her till the sun rose, she begged for more and more, He turned that pure virginity into a God damned whore. Melody - The Gay Caballero Oh, I am a gay caballero, Going from Rio de Janeiro, With an exceedingly long latraballee, And two fine latraballeros. I went down to Tijuana, Exceedingly fine Tijuana, With my exceedingly long latraballee, And my two fine latraballeros. I met a gay senorita, Exceedingly gay senorita, She wanted to play with my latraballee, And with one of my latraballeros. Oh, now I've got the clapito, Exceedingly painful clapito, Right on the end of my latraballee, And on one of my latraballeros. I went to see a medico, Exceedingly fine medico, He looked at the end of my latraballee, And at one of my latraballeros. He took out a long stiletto, Exceedingly long stiletto, He cut off the end of my latraballee, And one of my latraballeros. And now I'm a sad caballero, Returning to Rio de Janiero, Minus the end of my latraballee, And one of my latraballeros. At night I lay on my pillow, Seeking to finger my willow, All I find there is a handful of hair, And one dried-up latraballero. Melody - Froggie Goes A'Courtin' A is for arsehole all covered in shit, Heigh-ho says Rowley, B is the bugger who revels in it, Singing roly, poly, up'em and stuff'em, Heigh-ho, says Anthony Rowley. C is for cunt all dripping with piss, Heigh-ho, etc . . . D is the drunkard who gave it a kiss, etc . . . E is the eunuch with only one ball, F is the fucker with no balls at all. G is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout, H is the harlot who spreads it about. I is for insertion, injection, and itch, J is the jerk of a dog on a bitch. K is the knight who thought fucking a bore, L is the lesbian who came back for more. M is the maidenhead all tattered and torn, N is the noble who died on his horn. O is for orifice all cunningly concealed, P is for penis all pranged up and peeled. Q is the Quaker who shat in his hat, R is the Rajah who rogered the cat. S is the shit-pot all filled to the brim, T are the turds which are floating within. U is the usher who taught us at school, V is the virgin who played with his tool. W is the whore who thought fucking a farce, And X, Y, and Z you can shove up your arse! Melody - You're Sixteen by Rose Eh, Toronto HHH He's a blow-up doll And his dick isn't small And he stays hard all the time. He's made of plastic He's got a big dick And he's mine. I took him out to the hash And oh what a blast The bimbos were standing in line He's made of plastic He's got a big dick And he's mine. I'm telling ya' guys It isn't just size. This man's hard all the time. He's made of plastic He's got a big dick And he's mine. Melody - Itself Commercial Song by Chubby Roy Brown All mouth, no brains, this guy's a pain, You can scream and cuss, He stuck his boot up your dog's arse, And licked your daughter's puss, He nicked your fags, drank your booze, Tied fireworks to the cat, Then he told the dole you were working, Who is this fuckin twat? CHORUS: He's a cunt, he's a cunt, He's a C-U-N-T cunt, With his broken teeth and his ugly face, He's a mental riddle that's out of place, He'll sleep with your granny, bite her fanny, Wears his trousers back to front, And he farts, sucks cock, And he's riddled with pox, 'Cause basically he's a cunt. He dyes his hair to match his clothes, He smells like shit, he'd fill your nose, With a small tattoo to prove he's tough, And an earring 'cause he's a fuckin poof, You've never heard of this human turd, He'd be a pig if he could grunt, And what's more he talks bullshit, 'Cause basically he's a cunt. He's got spots and warts and blackheads too, He doesn't know a joke unless it's blue, The vicar's daughter swears and cries, He fucked her with a pack of lies, You say you've never heard of this man, Well you don't have to hunt, 'Cause it's me, it's me you bastards, 'Cause basically I'm a cunt. Melody - Colonel Bogey March Hitler, he only had one ball, Goering, had two but very small, Himmler, had something simmler, But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all. (Whistle melody for chorus) Frankfurt, has only one beer hall, Stuttgart, die maedchen all on call, Munich, ve lift our tunich, To show ve Chermens have no balls at all. (Hasher's name), is very short, not tall, And blotto, for drinking Singha and Skol, A Cherman, unlike (hasher's name), Because (hasher's name) has no balls at all. Melody - Blackbird, Bye Bye Make me happy, make me gay, I can come twice a day, I'm your mailman. Lift the knocker, ring the bell, I can make you feel swell, I'm your mailman. I can come in any kind of weather, Don't you know my bags are made of leather? I don't mess with keys or locks, I'll slip it right in the box, I'm your mailman. Melody - Honey, Babe Written by Barney & Derelict, Atlanta Black Sheep HHH Inbred Man, he's our man Inbred, inbred Don't matter if he's kin or Klan Inbred, inbred Cunt or mouth or asshole too Fuck you good that's what he'll do Inbred, he's an inbred. Inbred Man had a sister once Inbred, inbred Fucked that bitch way up her cunt Inbred, inbred Fucked her good then she died Cause his dick was laced with cyanide Inbred, he's an inbred. Inbred Man he loses his truck Inbred, inbred But with his truck he does not fuck Inbred, inbred Under the hood is much better Puts his lips around that header Inbred, he's an inbred. Inbred Man went down to the creek Inbred, inbred Jacking on his big old dick Inbred, inbred Saw a girl, she look so neat GOD DAMN, she's got feet! Inbred, he's an inbred. Inbred Man had a dog named Rover Inbred, inbred Inbred yelled, "Well, come on over" Inbred, inbred Inbred came and so did Rover That's more luck than a four-leaf clover Inbred, he's an inbred. Inbred Man, he's got this punk Inbred, inbred Boy, that kid smells like a skunk Inbred, inbred Took it out and shot it twice, This song is over, ain't that nice Inbred, he's an inbred. Melody - ??? John Thomas was a servant tall, The pride and joy of the servant's hall, Although he only had one ball, Inside those red plush breeches. CHORUS: And he wore red plush breeches, And he wore red plush breeches, And he wore red plush breeches that kept John Thomas warm. Out of all the servants at the servant's post, Mary was the one he loved the most. And for her his ball would roast, Inside those red plush breeches. They went for a walk one moonlit night, The stars were out and the moon was bright. Things became extremely tight, Inside those red plush breeches. They found a stump to sit upon, They found a stack to lay upon, Next day Mary sewed buttons on, That pair of red plush breeches. Mary had an illegit, It's face looked like a piece of shit. And every time she looked at it, She cursed those red plush breeches. Now Mary laid poor John a trap, And he fell for it like a sap, And now he's got a dose of clap, Inside those red plush breeches. Melody - Itself The harems of Egypt are fine to behold, The harlots the fairest of fair, But the fairest of all was owned by a sheik, Named Abdul Abulbul Emir. A traveling brothel came down from the north, 'twas privately run for the Czar, Who wagered a hundred no one could outshag, Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. A day was arranged for the spectacle great, A holiday proclaimed by the Czar, And the streets were all lined with the harlots assigned, To Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. All hairs they were shorn, no frenchies were worn, And this suited Abdul by far, And he quite set his mind on a fast action grind, To beat Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. They met on the track with cocks at the slack, A starter's gun punctured the air, They were both quick to rise, the crowd gaped at the size, Of Abdul Abulbul Emir. They worked all the night in the pale yellow light, Old Abdul he revved like a car, But he couldn't compete with the slow steady beat, Of Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun, He bent down to polish the pair, When something red hot up his back passage shot, 'twas Abdul Abulbul Emir. The harlots turned green, the crowd shouted "Queen," They were ordered apart by the Czar, 'twas bloody bad luck for poor Abdul was stuck, Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. The cream of the joke came when they broke, 'twas laughed at for years by the Czar, For Abdul, the fool, left half of his tool, Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed upon the cross; Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed upon the cross; Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's nailed upon the cross; Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves! Chorus Free beer for all the hashers; Free beer for all the hashers; Free beer for all the hashers; Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves! Additional Verses: All the harriettes love Jesus 'cause he's hung like this (spread out arms); Jesus don't need flour 'cause he lays the trail in blood; Don't give your beer to Jesus 'cause he'll turn it into wine; When Jesus is the hash chef, all we get is fish; We like to hash with Jesus 'cause he always cleans our feet; Jesus won't come hashing because Judas pissed him off; When Judas goes hashing, he pays with silver coins; More verses contributed by Mount-Hee Jesus can't go hashing 'cause he's only got 12 friends. Jesus can't go hashing, he's got shiggy on his head. Jesus can't go hashing 'cause his wood is just too big. Jesus can't go hashing 'cause his dad knows all the trails. Jesus can't go hashing 'cause his wife is such a whore. Jesus we're only kidding Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic John Brown's penis was a bloody awful sight, Mucked about with gonorrhoea and buggered up with shite, The agonies of syphilis kept him awake all night, But he still went rogering along. CHORUS: Oh, the hoary old seducer, Oh, the hoary old seducer, Oh, the hoary old seducer, He still went rogering along. The color of his water was sort of orange-ale, Little gonorrhoea germs within his scrotum played, In spite of these inconveniences, he went on undismayed, Yes he still went rogering along. Girls would come from miles around to his baronial hall, To see his giant penis and one remaining ball, And view the rows of maidenheads all hung around the wall, And he still went rogering along. Melody - King of the Road Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (copyrighted material?) Theorems to prove or not, Differentials get me hot. Got three advanced degrees, I don't pay no software fees. I work hard on my code at nights, My system's fifty-million megabytes. Don't have much truck with words, 'Cause I'm . . . King of the Nerds. I know every engineer on every mainframe, Each fileserver, and all of their names, I know every BBS in every town, And who to call for service when the system is down. You know I watch Star Treck, TNG, I follow Science Fiction Fantasy. I read PC news for thrills, I don't have no social skills. Ah, but cheap beer and take-out foods, Get me lots of geeks in party moods. Good grooming's for the birds, When you're King of the Nerds. And I'm King of the Nerds. Melody - ??? Miss Jones was walking down the street, When a young fellow she happened to meet, Was giving the girls a hell of a treat, Twisting and turning his balls. CHORUS: But they were large balls, large balls, Twice as heavy as lead (cha, cha), And with two twists of his muscular wrists, He threw them right over his head. (Sera-aboom, sera-aboom, sera-aboom boom boom) A policeman to the scene was called, He said, "A lesson'll have to be taught, Because it's certain that no one ought, To be twisting and turning his balls." The prisoner standing in the dock, He gave the judge a hell of a shock, Insisting on showing the jury his cock, And twisting and turning his balls. The judge he said, "The case is clear, The fine will be a pint of beer, For any young bugger that comes in here, Twisting and turning his balls." Melody - Unknown This is the sad legend of Chernobyl Sam Who lived by a nuclear power facility, And, when the tale began, was an ordinary man, With ordinary abilities. One dick and two balls, no more and no less, That was what Sam had fitted And with that tackle he felt blessed, For his chums were all likewise fitted. That was before Chernobyl went bang, And leaked that radiation, Life it changed for Chernobyl Sam, Due to nuclear mutation. He was out on his farm in a turnip field Vigorously wielding his hoe, Well all of a sudden he'd doubled his yield Cos he'd felt something grow, And there in his pants, to his surprise Was not one dick, but two, Well Sam he couldn't believe his eyes, It looked too good to be true. It may be Chernobyl got me into this fix, Said Sam with nary a frown, He thought of the fun he could have with two dicks, And he drove straight into town. There he met Charlotte, the local harlot, Chernobyl's three-titted town whore, Eyes wide with surprise, the girl went scarlet, When he showed her his double bore. "You've got quite a couple, so I must charge double, If you do it with both," she cried, Sam gave her his roubles, he didn't want trouble, Dropped his pants and yelled "Open wide!" Well it may be a sin, only one would go in, There wasn't room for the pair, Those dicks were too thick, they should've been thin, So he stuck the second elsewhere. He thrust them in turns, till the friction burned, And Charlotte cried "no more!" One in the churn and one up the stern Was too much for the doughty whore. If you do double entry, you gotta go gently, As all good accountants know, So when she got dented around both entries, She chucked him back out in the snow. Now Chernobyl Sam felt twice a man, As he checked on his two cocks with glee, But his prideful glance down his underpants, Showed him not two balls but three! Those knackers hung low, they swung to and fro, He could swing them onto his shoulder, Tie them in a knot or tie them in a bow; It made him feel much bolder. There was no concealing the elation he was feeling, As they reached to the floor when at rest, He got a horny feeling as his bollocks hit the ceiling, With two cocks and three balls he was blessed! With a smile, not a frown, he went back into town, With his balls tucked into one boot, Another tart he found and threw her to the ground, Took aim and prepared to shoot. The whore took it all, that great double tool, She wasn't deterred by girth, Like a demon fueled by his triple balls Sam fucked for all he was worth, He sighed in bliss as he came with a hiss, And his balls hung down to his toes, His old single dick not at all was missed, As he shot her a double load, He sighed in pleasure as he gave her full measure, And a double stream of juice, But after those endeavors he tripped over his treasure - Those balls hanging low and loose. For if you please, they'd wrapped round his knees, Then round both ankles wound, And when he tried to ease his testicles free, He fell pole-axed to the ground. Around both ankles were his balls entangled, And he could not prise them free, Or else he'd mangle those bollocks which dangled, And maybe lose all three. It's sad to tell, how he tripped and fell, And shuffled to the door, Or how Sam felt as his balls began to swell, In front of the laughing whore. Chernobyl Sam swore at his great double bore, At the balls on which he tripped, They stretched then tore, in a gout of gore, As the skin of his ball-bag ripped. With no more fuel to power that tool, In dismay Chernobyl Sam wept, Leaving all three balls in a red bloody pool, Back to his fields he crept. Two balls and one dick, is enough to do the trick, You don't need anything more, Be it thin or thick, be grateful for your prick, And for balls which don't hang to the floor. But if you're jealous tell me true, just what is the ruddy use Of owning a double-barrel gun, Mighty fine it may look, but it's not good news, If you've got no ammunition. Melody - Onward Christian Soldiers Lloyd George knew my father, father knew Lloyd George; Lloyd George knew my father, father knew Lloyd George; Lloyd George knew my father, father knew Lloyd George; Lloyd George knew my father, father knew Lloyd George; (ad nauseam) Melody - Itself From Monty Python (copyrighted material) I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. CHORUS: He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory, On Wednesdays I go shopping, And have buttered scones for tea. CHORUS: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatory, On Wednesdays he goes shopping, Has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers, I put on womens' clothing, And hang around in bars. CHORUS: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers, He puts on womens' clothing, And hangs around in bars? He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra, I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Pappa. CHORUS: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspendies . . . and a bra? . . . He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. . . . He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. Melody - Itself CHORUS (CONTINUOUSLY): Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men . . . Oh, it's fun to be on a ship with men, And sail across the sea, We don't know where we'll land, or when, But still it's fun to be, On a ship with men at sea. There's men above and men below, And men down in the galley. There's Butch and Spike, And Tom and Sam, And one that we call Sally, One that we call Sally (effeminately). Oh, we are brave and we are bold, And none of us are sissies. Each night we lay down in our bunks, And blow each other kissies (effeminately). Melody - Barnacle Bill the Sailor (first part) Melody - Ach Du Lieber, Augustin (second part) Contributed by ZiPpY Also see "The Friar of Great Renown" and "Balls to Mr. Benglestein" There was an old monk of great renown, There was an old monk of great renown, There was an old monk of great renown, And he fucked the women all over the town. Chorus: (spoken) The sod, the dirty old sod, The bastard deserves to die. Have mercy on his soul. Fuck him! Glory, glory hallelujah. (sung) Balls to Mister Banglestein, Banglestein, Banglestein, Balls to Mister Banglestein, dirty old sod. For he keeps us all waiting while he's masturbating Balls to Mister Banglestein, dirty old sod. The other monks cried out in shame, The other monks cried out in shame, The other monks cried out in shame, So he turned around and he fucked them again. The other monks grew tired of his frolics, The other monks grew tired of his frolics, The other monks grew tired of his frolics, So they took a knife and they cut off his ballocks. Melody - Mr. Sandman Lyrics by PMS with a little help from Ultra Man, Dances With Mules and Davey Crotchit Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Mr. Gangbang, Bring me a dream; Make her good looking so I know that I'll cream; Give her two boobs like roses and clover; And I'll throw both her legs across my shoulders. Mr. Gangbang, Please bring me two; I'm taking Ginseng so I've plenty of goo; One on her back and one on all fours; I'll use 'em up then show them the door. Mr. Gangbang, Please bring me more; I'm getting tired of the same old whores; I'll by her roses, I'll feed her dinner; Anything as long as I end up in her. Please, turn on you magic beam; Mr. Gangbang, please make me cream! Melody - Ghostriders in the Sky The municipal sewerageman stood out upon the rim ('pon the rim, 'pon the rim), The municipal sewerageman fell in and couldn't swim (couldn't swim, couldn't swim), He sank down to the bottom, He sank down like a stone, You could hear the maggots cryin' out, "You're on your fuckin' own." CHORUS: Shitty-i-ayyy, Shitty-i-ohhh, Ghost maggots in the overflow (overflow, overflow). For six long days and weary nights he tried to stay afloat (stay afloat, stay afloat), But every time he cried for help, A turd caught in his throat (in his throat, in his throat), He sank down to the bottom, He sank down like a rock, You could hear the maggots, Munchin' on his cock. The moral of this story is if you should shovel shit (shovel shit, shovel shit), Be careful of your footing, Or you might end up in it (up in it, up in it), You'll sink down to the bottom, You'll sink down like a stone, You'll hear the maggots cryin' out, WHEEEE-AAAAAH-WHEEEE, "You're on your fuckin' own." Melody - My Father Contributed by Hazukashii, Yongsan HHH (take turns leading verses) LEADER: Well, my father is an Army Colonel. ALL: So what do you think about that? He wears a colonel's raincoat, He wears a colonel's hat, He wears a colonel's collar, He wears a colonel's shoes, And when he gets home on Friday night . . . LEADER: He plays with his privates. ALL: And some day, if I can, I'm gonna grow up just like my old man. VERSES: Confectioner . . . He packs fudge. Organ Grinder . . . He spanks his monkey. Farmer . . . He chokes his chicken. Butcher . . . He plays with his meat. Navy Captain . . . He inspects his seamen. Melody - My Grandfather's Clock My grandfather's cock was too long for his pants, And it dragged several feet on the floor, It was longer by half than the old man himself, And it weighed near a hundredweight more. He'd a horn on the morn of the day he was born, It was always his pleasure and pride, But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again, When the old man died. CHORUS: Ninety years without cracking it, What a cock! What a cock! He spent his life whacking it, What a cock! What a cock! But it drooped, shrank, never to rise again, When the old man died. My grandfather's cock was too long for his strides, So he lent it to the woman next door, She grabbed it by the point, and pulled it out of joint, So he swore he'd never lend it anymore. He'd a horn on the morn of the day he was born, It was always his pleasure and pride, But it drooped, shrank, never to rise again, When the old man died. Melody - Unknown Contributed by Hazukashii There is a doctor in our town A paragon of men His specialty is known to some As O-B-G-Y-N His sense of touch is marvelous He feels where he can't see He started at the bottom and That's where he'll always be. Chorus: Well he's open and candid I can't understand it and So under handed is the O-B-G-Y-N You'll walk into his office And suddenly feel fear You know that you would rather be Anywhere but here. You try to keep him talking But your effort he ignores Then you see two legs high in the air And realize their yours. Chorus You think he'd get enough of it The thrill would soon be gone But he works for the love of it He fingers on and on. He fly's with gay abandon Where secret sorrows lurk But he likes to keep his hand in it 'Cause he likes the inside work. Chorus He closes up his office And homeward makes his way His wife is there to greet him And tell him of her day. She says I feel romantic I'd like one night of love In absent-minded reflex He pulls out his rubber glove. Chorus Melody - Old King Cole (Take turns leading verses) Old King Cole was a merry old soul, And a merry old soul was he. He called for his wife in the middle of the night, And he called for his fiddlers three. Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle, And a very fine fiddle had he. Fiddle-diddle-dee, diddle-dee, said the fiddlers, Merry, merry men are we, There's none so fair that can compare, With the boys of the HHH. Leader: How's your father? Pack: ALL RIGHT! Leader: How's your mother? Pack: SHE'S TIGHT! Leader: How's your sister? Pack: SHE MIGHT! Leader: When was the last time? Pack: LAST NIGHT! Leader: When is the next time? Pack: TONIGHT! Leader: How's your arsehole? Pack: FULL OF SHITE! Old King Cole, etc . . . And he called for his tailors three, Now every tailor had a very fine needle, And a very fine needle had he. Stick it in and out, in and out, said the tailors, Fiddle-diddle-dee, diddle-dee, said the fiddlers, Merry, merry men are we, etc . . . Jugglers three - two very fine balls. Throw your balls in the air, said the jugglers. Butchers three - a very fine chopper. Put it on the block, chop it off, said the butchers. Barmaids three - a very fine candle. Pull it out, pull it out, said the barmaids. Cyclists three - two very fine pedals. Round and round, round and round, said the cyclists. Flutists three - a very fine flute. Root diddly-oot, diddly-oot, said the flutists. Painters three - a very fine brush. Wop it up and down, up and down, said the painters. Horsemen three - a very fine saddle. Ride it up and down, up and down, said the horsemen. Carpenters three - a very fine hammer. Bang away, bang away, bang away, said the carpenters. Surgeons three - a very fine scalpel. Cut it round the knob, make it throb, said thesurgeons. Fishermen three - a very fine rod. Mine is two feet long, two feet long, said the fishermen. Huntsmen three - a very fine horn. Wake up in the morn with a horn, said the huntsmen. Coalmen three - a very fine sack. Want it in the front or the back, said the coalmen. Durmmers three - a very fine drum. Thump it right up to the stump, said the drummers. Axemen three - a very fine axe. Chop it right back to the stump, said the axemen. Parsons three - a very fine book. Goodness, gracious me, said the parsons. Ladies three - a very fine cat. Come and pet my pussy, said the ladies. Hashmen three - a very fine backcheck. Run it back and forth, said the Hashmen. Melody - Itself Sitting in O'Riley's bar one day, Drinking whiskey, passing water, Suddenly a thought came to my mind, I'd like to fuck O'Riley's daughter. CHORUS: Giddy-I-A, giddy-I-O, Giddy-I-A, for the one-eyed Riley, Rough 'em up, stuff'em up, balls and all, Play it on your old bass drum. Her hair was black, her eyes were blue, The colonel, the major, and the captain sought her, The regimental goat and drummer boy too, But they never had a fuck with O'Riley's daughter. Lack O'Flanagan is my name, I'm the king of copulation, Drinking beer my claim to fame, Fucking women my occupation. Walking through the town one day, Who should I meet but O'Riley's daughter, Never a word to her did say, But, "Don't you think we really oughter?" Up the stairs and into bed, There I cocked my left leg over, Marianne was smiling then, Smiling still when the fuck was over. Fucked her till her tits were flat, Filled her up with soapy water, She won't get away with that, If she doesn't have twins then she really oughter. Suddenly footsteps on the stairs, Old man O'Riley bent on slaughter, Bloody great pistol in his hand, Looking for the one who fucked his daughter. He fired the pistol at my head, Missed me by an inch and a quarter, Hit his daughter Marianne, Right in the place where she passes water. I grabbed O'Riley by the hair, Shoved his head in a bucket of water, Rammed his pistol up his ass, A damn sight quicker than I fucked his daughter. Old man O'Riley's dead and gone, Shall we bury him? Not fucking likely, We'll nail him to the shithouse door, And there we'll bugger him twice nightly. Come you virgins, maidens fair, Answer me quick and true, not slyly, Do you want it straight and square, Or the way I gave it to one-eyed Riley? Marianne's dead but not forgotten, Let's dig her up and fuck her rotten! Melody - Son of a Gambolier The pioneers have hairy ears, They piss through leather britches, They wipe their ass with broken glass, Those tough old sons of bitches. When cunt is rare, they fuck a bear, They knife him if he snitches, They knock their cocks against the rocks, Those hardy sons of bitches. They take their ass upon the grass, In bushes or in ditches, Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks, Those rough-hewn sons of bitches. Without remorse, they fuck a horse, And beat him if he twitches, Their two-foot pricks are full of nicks, Those mean old sons of bitches. To make a mule stand for the tool, They beat him with hickory switches, They use their pricks for walking sticks, Those gnarled old sons of bitches. Great joy they reap from cornholing sheep, In barns, or bogs, or ditches, Nor give a damn if it be a ram, Those grimy sons of bitches. They walk around, prick to the ground, And kick it if it itches, And if it throbs, they scratch it with cobs, Those mighty sons of bitches. Melody - ??? Please do not tread on my balls, Please do not tread on my balls. I am aware that they hang too low, Should have been cut off ten years ago. I have what some people call, Simply phenonenal balls, So please do not tread on my balls, balls, balls, balls. Melody - Meet the Flintstones By Cold Box, Magic City H3 Poofters, f--king poofters!! They're the'' squeaky clean'' ones at on-in, That's why--i always hug them,-- Get 'em muddy asking ''where you been?'' Excuses!! -they always say they ''had to work'' Shut up!! You said that last time, poofter jerk!! Down down, down down down down, down down.....etc. (Alternate Ending 1) Excuses!! -they always seem to have a few, Shut up!! Go on and chug that shitty brew!! (then back to 'down down', down down down down.......) (Alternate Ending 2) Excuses!! You know we've heard this all before, Shut up!! We don't wanna hear it anymore!! (Alternate Ending 3) Excuses!! They always have an alibi, Shut up!! Your whining makes me wanna die!!! Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home There was a Rajah of Astrakhan, Yo ho, yo ho, A most licentious fucking man, Yo ho, yo ho, Of wives he had a hundred and nine, Including his favorite concubine, Yo ho you buggers, yo ho you buggers, Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho. One day he had a hell of a stand, He called to a warrior, one of his band, "Go down to the harem in double time, And bring me my favorite concubine." The warrior fetched the concubine, A figure like Venus, a face divine, The Rajah gave a significant grunt, And rammed his penis up her cunt. The Rajah's cries were loud and long, The maiden's cries were sure and strong, But just when all had come to a head, They both fell through the fucking bed. They hit the floor with a hell of a grunt, Which completely buggered the poor girl's cunt, And as for the Rajah's magnificent cock, It never recovered from the shock. There is a moral to this tale, There is a moral to this tale, If you would fuck a girl at all, Stand her right up against the wall. Melody - Redneck Mother (copyrighted material) He was born in Oklahoma, His wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Liz, And he's not responsible for what he's doin', His mama made him what he is. CHORUS: And it's up against the wall, redneck mother, Mother who has raised a son so well (so well, so well), He's 34, a drinkin' in a honky tonk, Just kickin' hippie ass and raisin' hell. He sure does like his Shiner beer, He likes to chase it down with Wild Turkey liquor, He drives a '67 Chevy pick-em-up truck, He's got a gun rack and a "Goat Ropers Need Love Too" sticker. M is for the Mudflaps on my pick-em-up truck, O is for the Oil I put on my hair, T is for T-Bird, H is for Haggard, E is for Enema, R is for REDNECK! Melody - Ye Jacobites by Name Note: this melody is similar to "If You Wanna Get to Heaven, Clap Your Hands," but slower Oh my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all, Oh my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all, Oh my name is Sammy Small, and I only have one ball, But it's better than none at all, so fuck 'em all. Oh they say I shot a man, fuck 'em all, etc They say I shot him in the head, with a fucking piece of lead, Now the silly fucker's dead, so fuck 'em all. Oh they say I'm going to swing, fuck 'em all, etc Oh, they say I'm going to swing, from a fucking piece of string, What a silly fucking thing, so fuck 'em all. Oh the parson he will come, fuck 'em all, etc Oh the parson he will come, with his tales of kingdom come, He can shove 'em up his bum, so fuck 'em all. Oh the hangman wears a mask, fuck 'em all, etc Oh the hangman wears a mask, for his silly fucking task, What a silly fucking ass, so fuck 'em all. Oh the sheriff'll be there too, fuck 'em all, etc Oh the sheriff'll be there too, with his silly fucking crew, They've got fuck-all else to do, so fuck 'em all. (With reverence) I saw Molly in the crowd, fuck 'em all, etc I saw Molly in the crowd, and I felt so goddamn proud, That I shouted right out loud, FUCK 'EM ALL! Oh the hangman pulled the rope, fuck 'em all, etc Oh the hangman pulled the rope, though it was a fucking joke, Now my goddamn neck is broke, so FUCK 'EM ALL! Melody - Itself A traditional folk song, with some added verses A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair, One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share, He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet, Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. CHORUS: Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. 'Bout that time two young and lovely girls just happened by, One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye, "See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built, I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt?" Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be, Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see, And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt, Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. They marveled for a moment then one said "We'd best be gone, But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow, Around the bonnie spar the Scotman's kilt did lifted show. Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, Around the bonnie spar the Scotman's kilt did lifted show. The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees, Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees, Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize." Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize." EXTRA VERSES: Our Scottish friend still dreseed in kilt continued down the street, He hadn't gone ten yards or more, when a girl he chanced to meet. She said, "I've heard what's 'neath that kilt, tell me is it so." He said, "Just put your hand up miss, if you'd really like to know." Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, He said, "Just put your hand up miss, if you'd really like to know." She put her hand right up his kilt and much to her surprise, The Scotsman smiled and a very strange look came into his eyes. She said, "Why sir that's gruesome," and then she heard him roar, "If you put your hand up once again you'll find it grew some more." Ring ding diddle diddle i de o, Ring di diddle i o, "If you put your hand up once again you'll find it grew some more." Melody - Secret Agent Man There's a man who lives a life of danger, Dresses like a girl to meet a stranger, And every guy he'll greet, He sizes up his meat, Odds are he'll be burping sperm tomorrow. Secret Anus Man, Secret Anus Man, You're greasing up your bunghole, And renting a great dane. Melody - Unknown This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor, Whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door. The firemen arrived on the scene, double quick But alas were too late to save poor Freddie's dick. By the time they freed him he didn't feel well For his private parts were mangled to hell. They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew but when they arrived there was nowt they could do. What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice, To a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice, But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool some bright spark suggested a bionic tool. A bright new electric one made out of brass, Though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass. So newly equipped and after a rest, Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test. Finding a woman, the nearest one handy, He piled her with drink and made her feel randy. The girl without waiting, put her hand in his flies, when she felt what was there gave a cry of surprise. "That's my bionic chopper, now let's have some fun!", "Cor blimey!", she said, "It feels like a gun!" They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast, and he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast. They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook some more, Then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor. Now the part hotted up and they started to choke as the air in the room became filled with blue smoke. With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air Aand his other went plonkety plonk down the stair. So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe, was this how his sex life was destined to go? A return to the doctor at the end of each shag With his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag. But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again, and they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main, So if the batteries run out, it's still quite alright, Cos he's now got a mains lead and can go it all night, And if he can't get a girl, lucky Fred doesn't cry, cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy. (The Further Adventures of Young Freddie Bloor) Now this is the story of Fred's girlfriend, Kelly. Punk rocker, pink hair, six foot nine, fat and smelly. But these delicate features all passed Fred straight by, It was another, less subtle, that soon caught his eye. The problem, you see, was the size of her chests. The unfortunate Kelly had uneven breasts. The right one was normal, size 36 D. The left one hung down, to way past her knee. But Fred did not mind; there was a glint in his eye. As the unbalanced Kelly lurched carefully by. He walked up beside her and, looking so cool, Said "I'm Fred, good in bed, care to sample my tool?" "My name is Kelly," she said, with a smile, Resting her boob on the ground for a while. She knocked out her pipe on the side of his conk, Said "Lets go to my place - we'll have a quick bonk." They got onto bed and Fred undressed her quick, And turned up the power on his electronic dick. Then grabbing a handful of mammory gland, Wrapped it twice round his neck like a huge rubber band. Kelly, meanwhile, had nothing to hold. Then she spied Freddy's whopper, gleaming purple and gold. With one hand she pushed Freddy flat on his back, Got down on her knees, and prepared to attack. But back at the hospital for a quick clean and fix, The nurses had got all the plans in a mix. And the doctor who wired it made a bad job, So poor Kelly got 10,000 volts through her gob. She gave a sharp cry and jumped back in pain, And her left breast began to stretch, from the strain. The whiplash pulled Fred from the bed to a chair, And his face went all purple as he strugged for air. As poor Fred did writhe with a gurgling sound, Kelly was rather too quick to turn round. And as he was plucked, with great force, from the chair, He grabbed hold of Kelly by her pink spikey hair. On landing, entangled, in a heap on the floor, Fred unwrapped himself fast, and made for the door. Straight down the stairs, out into the street, With his puffed face bright red and his pants round his feet. Yelled "Make no mistake," his voice full of mourning, "That bosom should carry a public health warning!" "From now on I'll stick to my first rule of thumb," "Any more than a handful, an' you risk a sprained tongue!" (Remote Control Freddie) This is more of the tale of young Freddie Bloor Whose sexual apparatus got lopped off by a door, With his new bionic tool, young Fred got a life, And in the fullness of time he had taken a wife. Fred gave her a present and pledged her his soul, And gave her the bionic dick's remote control, But alas for them both, Fred could not stay true, Though he blamed his affairs on his bionic tool, When he went out to parties and girls gave him a glance, Bionic-tooled Fred couldn't pass up the chance, And within a few months of being decently wedded Fred had lost count of the women he'd bedded. At home his poor wife grew increasingly frantic As she tried to put up with Fred's sexual antics, As Fred thrust away with his multi-speed dick, She wanted revenge and she wanted it quick. So one day she followed Fred to his love nest, Where he was bonking his latest conquest. Armed with his bionic dick's remote control, She twiddled the dial and turned it to full. Like a great power drill the tool started to turn At 500 rpm and caused friction burns, The girl started screaming, eyes crossed in amazement, As Fred's tool rotated and throbbed and went crazy. Fred tried to control it and tried to go slow, All to no avail as the tip started to glow, It shot him out of her, he crashed into the wall, And hung there spread-eagled, held up by his tool. It drilled into the plaster and then through the brick, While Fred tried in vain to unfasten his dick, Then it ground to a halt, it was embedded right in, And face flat to the wall, Fred started to spin. Just as he grew dizzy, his wife hit 'reverse', At first Fred stopped spinning, but then things grew worse, He shot away backwards, repelled from the wall, By the pulsing and spinning of his mains powered tool; He fell straight through the window and and onto the ground, His tool ripped away with a terrible sound, And after the doctors had patched him up whole, They gave a dick without remote control. The moral of Freddie's tale is clear to all, If you don't want your wife to lead you round by your balls, Then don't shag every willing female you meet - You'll end up dickless like Freddie and out on the street! (Freddie and the Bionic Clit) This is the tale of Fred Bloor's girlfriend Kit, Who had silicon implants and a bionic clit, Kit's boyfriends all risked a most messy castration, Organs ground to a pulp by excessive vibration, As right in the midst of their sexual frolics Kit's luckless partners got trapped by their bollocks, With their dicks mauled and mashed and turned into spam, And their bollocks resembling balls of chopped ham, Kit's organ grinder left their manhoods all mangled, Like half-chewed frankfurters, with catsup, they dangled, When her bionic pussy reached its thundering orgasm And chomped off their choppers as it went into wild spasms. Then one night at a disco she met a young chap called Fred, Whose mains-powered tool was more robust in bed, They headed straight for the bedroom, they knew what to do, As they plugged themselves in, and the sparks really flew. The pace became frantic with no hazard of gelding, Though the heat generated caused grave danger of welding, But Kit's pulsing pussy made Fred short-circuit that night. And in the deep throes of their passion the mattress ignited. Well out of control, the heat melted circuits and wires, Their pubic hair singed, hissed and and smoked, and caught fire, Would this happen each time Fred and Kit wanted a poke - Pubes and mattress on fire and their room full of smoke? Now the circuits were melting and screws had worked loose, As through their mains flexes they drew so much juice, That all through the city the lights dimmed and died, As Fred and Kit's bonking overloaded electric supplies. First the step-up transformers at the power sub-stations, Went critical, melted; then they burnt out the generators, The doctors had failed to fit Fred's dick with a fuse, So now all round the city, power lines arced and blew. Fred's tool whined and went into critical overload, Grew red hot, then white hot before it finally exploded, His metal balls hit the ceiling and bounced off the wall, And out through the roof went his jet-propelled tool, Alas, it was welded to Kit's bionic clit, And so the poor woman blasted off into orbit. Fred's sex drive was in ashes and his tool circled Mars, While his balls had blown away half of his ass; And the only woman able to sustain Fred's bionic pace, Was still riding his dick as she floated through space. So back to the hospital drove poor Freddie Bloor To be stitched back together and supplied with a fuse. (Epilogue) We've all heard the tales of young Freddie Bloor, Who suffered a dreadful mishap with a door, In his prime one had severed poor Freddie Bloor's prick, But medical insurance bought a bionic dick. There was a drawback with batteries - they quickly expired, So they gave him a flex, to the mains he was wired, But becoming entangled in ten feet of flex, Gave a new meaning to the motto 'safe sex'. A punk rocker called Kelly took 10,000 volts, While giving Fred head, and she got quite a jolt. He blasted Kit into orbit when his prosthetic exploded, She had a bionic pussy and Fred's dick overloaded. Now a small nuclear battery built into his dick, Seems the ideal solution and powers his prick, But sadly there is one small drawback for Fred, Safe sex means wearing a condom made of lead! Melody - Sing! Oh, my mother is dead and my father is dead And my brother is dead and my brother is dead And my brother is dead and my kid has one leg And I'm a drunk and my car doesn't float. Version 2 From the Gang at Seoul Southside H3 Melody - Sailor's Hornpipe Well my mother is dead and my father is dead, And my brother is dead and my other brother's dead, And my Son has has one leg, and I'm really, really drunk, And my car doesn't float. Ted Kennedy, keep drinkin', Ted Kennedy, your liver is gone, Ted Kennedy, keep drinkin', You are the reason that we are singin' this song! Version 3 updated in 2009 for obvious reasons Melody - Sailor's Hornpipe Well your mother was dead and your father was dead, And your brothers were dead and your nephew was dead, And your son had one leg, and you were really, really drunk, And your car didn't float. Ted Kennedy, kept drinkin', Ted Kennedy, his liver was gone, Ted Kennedy, kept drinkin', Now that he's dead, why are we are singin' this song? Melody - Ghostriders in the Sky (Take turns leading verses) The lady of the manor Was dressing for the ball (for the ball, for the ball), When she spied a tinker, Pissing up against the wall (against the wall, against the wall). CHORUS: With his great big kidney wiper, And his balls the size of three, And a yard and a half of foreskin (fiveskin, sixskin) Hanging down below his knees. Syphil-I-O, syphil-I-A, Muff divers in the sky. The lady wrote a letter, And in it she did say, I'd rather be fucked by you sir, Then his lordship any day. The tinker got the letter, And then it he did read, His balls began to fester, And his prick began to bleed. He mounted on his donkey, And he rode up to the strand, His balls across his shoulders, And his penis in his hand. He rode up to the mansion, He rode up to the hall, The butler cried, "God save us! He's come to fuck us all!" He fucked the cook in the kitchen, He fucked the maid in the hall, And then he fucked the butler, The dirtiest trick of all. And then he fucked the mistress, In ten minutes she was dead. With a yard and a half of foreskin, Hanging round her head. The tinker is now dead sir, They say he's gone to hell, And there he fucks the devil, I hope he fucks him well. Melody - Itself I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a hat upon the rack, Where my hat ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me, Whose is that hat on the rack, Where my hat ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a sot can be, That's not a hat upon the rack, But a chamberpot you see." Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a jerry with a hatband on, I never saw before. I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a horse in the stable, Where my horse ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me, Whose is this horse in the stable, Where my horse ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a horse in the stable, But a milch cow you do see." Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a milch cow with a saddle on, I never saw before. I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a head on the pillow, Where my head ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this head a-lying there, Where my head ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a souse can be, That's not a head on the pillow, But a football you do see." Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a football with a mustache on, I never saw before. I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a cock inside my bed, Where my cock ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this cock a-standing there, Where my cock ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a cock a-standing there, But a carrot that you see." Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a carrot with ballocks on, I never saw before. I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a stain on the counterpane, And it didn't come from me. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this stain on the counterpane, Which didn't come from me?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a stain on the counterpane, But some baby's milk you see." Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But baby's milk that smelled like come, I never saw before. I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a woman inside my bed, Where my dear wife should be. So I said to this woman, who wasn't bad-looking, "Explain this thing to me. Who are you, a-lying there, Where my dear wife should be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, You silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be. This ain't your house, I ain't your wife, You're not living at all with me." Well I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, It's the fifth time that I've stuffed this bird, She ain't never complained before. Melody - Knick Knack Paddy-Whack This old man, he fucked one, Don't you know he had such fun, CHORUS: With a knick-knack paddy-whack, He fucked his dog alone, Fucked his dog and made him groan. This old man, he fucked two, A baby rabbit and a kangaroo This old man, he fucked three, Put up mirrors so he could see This old man, he fucked four, Three wasn't enough so he bought a whore This old man, he fucked five, Two were dead and three alive This old man, he fucked six, Has his sister turning tricks This old man, he fucked seven, The youngest one was just eleven This old man, he fucked eight, One sucked him raw and it felt great This old man, he fucked nine, God, this orgy is just divine This old man, he fucked ten, All he could say was, "Do it again!" This old man, he fucked eleven, Died of V.D. and went to heaven, With a knick-knack paddy-whack, Now his dog's alone, No one left to make him groan. Melody - Mademoiselle from Armentieres (Take turns leading verses) Three German officers crossed the Rhine, parlez-vous. Three German officers crossed the Rhine, parlez-vous. Three German officers crossed the Rhine, They fucked the women and drank the wine, inky dinky, parlez-vous. They came upon a wayside inn, etc . . . Shat on the mat and walked right in, etc . . . Oh landlord have you a daughter fair, With lily-white tits and golden hair? Oh yes I do but she's too young, To sleep with a stinking German hun. At last they got her on a bed, Shagged her till her cheeks were red. And then they took her to a shed, Shagged her till she was nearly dead. They took her down a shady lane, Shagged her back to life again. They shagged her up, they shagged her down, They shagged her right around the town. They shagged her in, they shagged her out, They shagged her up her waterspout. Seven months and all was well, Eight months went and she began to swell. Nine months went, she gave a grunt, And a little Kraut bastard popped out of her cunt. The little Kraut bugger he grew and grew, He shagged his mother and sister too. The little Kraut bugger he went to hell, He shagged the Devil and his wife as well. Melody - The Vicar of Bray The vicar in the dockside church, One Sunday morning said, "Some dirty bastard's shat himself, I'll punch his fucking head." Well, up jumped Jock from the third row back, And he spat a mighty go-o-ob, "I'm the one who shat himself, You can chew my fucking kno-o-ob, You can chew my fucking knob." The organist played Hearts of Oak, Mixed up with Auld Laung Syne, The preacher then got up and said, "You've had your fucking time." The organist waltzed down the aisle, With his organ on his back, Then up jumped Jock and hollered out, "You can waltz that bastard ba-a-ck, You can waltz that bastard back." Sweet Jenny Lynd got up to sing, She warbled like a thrush, The vicar from his pulpit said, "By God you're fucking lush." "That's right," said she, "but I'm not for free, It's thirty bob a ti-i-me." Then up jumped Jock and hollered out, "Hands off, you bastards, she's mi-i-ne, Hands off, you bastards, she's mine." Melody - Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star Attributed to John "Dr. Dirt" Valby of upstate NY fame CHORUS: Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew Nipple, bosom, hair-pie, finger-fuck, screw. Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit, Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig lie in shit. AW VLAD, AW VLAD. Well, we went to a party and what did we do, We took off our socks and we took off our shoes, We took off our shirts and we took off our pants, I had a hunch we weren't gonna dance. Chorus (faster) Well, everybody everybody's ass was bare, No broads left just the queer over there, All of this didn't phase me a bit, I just jumped on the pile and grabbed me some tit. AW, VLAD Chorus (faster) Well you know my girl's a sports fan, She plays with balls whenever she can, Because her favorite sport you see, Is playing tonsil hockey. Chorus (faster until only the fastest person is still singing) Melody - Yankee Doodle Dedicated to Aloha Hasher Wanky Doodle, composed by Bag Lady, October, 1994 Wanky Doodle went to bed, A-wanking on his plumbing, Took forever and a day, Until he was a-cumin'. Wanky Doodle, shake it up, Wanky Doodle dandy, Wanky Doodle, shake it up, You are so very handy. Melody - ??? Racism is no stranger to the hash, it seems . . . Now Yu Wee Flung Lu Wee, They say he can screw-ee, Any girlie from Shanghai to Peking. And to say what is mor-ee, There isn't a whor-ee, That can start his Chop Suey a weeping. Now Yu Wee went walk-ee, With a boiling hot Stalk-ee, And he see a sweet little lassie. Sweet little lassie with burning hot chassis, And he say "Ha ha ha, I smell cunt-ee." Now he take her arm-ee, No cause for alarm-ee, She tell him her name is Hip Swing-ee. She say "Come to my room-ee, And tickle my womb-ee, And make my tits go ting-a-ling-ee." Now I happen to know-ee, That Yu Wee he go-ee, For next day we he go to pee-ee, He say, "Hey, something amiss-ee, My cock be no piss-ee, I think I have got the vee-d-ee." Back to the top of the Page Melody - Piano Man By Slippery Beaver, Javelina H3, Sierra Vista, AZ NWell it's five o'clock on a Saturday The rest of the pack has come in But we haven't seen flour, for more than an hour Cause you had to go on a zen Well there's beer at the end and some munchies too But soon it's gonna get dark But your instincts were wrong So I wrote you this song To sing on the way back to the start Show us the way, you're the Zenner Man We're really not sure where trail goes Cause we're all in the mood for some alcohol And getting us lost really blows Oh, down, down, d-d-down down Down, down, d-d-down down . . . |
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